Saturday, January 14, 2012

Day 13...Pageant Queens, Neoprene Shorts and the Dangers of Duct Tape

Hot version!

Everyone's been raving about Hot Pants on Facebook, the magically slimming spandex shorts that promise to take inches off your thighs.

Well, Mistress of No Moolah can't afford the $80 Hot Pants price tag....I can, on the other hand, justify $9.99 at Walmart for these Gold's Gym Neoprene Shorts, Medium/Large - Color, Black

According to, Neoprene pants are only a temporary solution and really only create short term weight loss: "If you wear neoprene pants while working out or exercising, you'll begin to feel warm, and your body will sweat in an attempt to cool off. This will result in water loss. If you were to get on the scale right after an exercise session while wearing neoprene pants, you might find you weigh a few pounds less due to this water loss."

So, perhaps a good bet after, let's say, a Mirko's dinner! Not so much for a permanent weight
loss solution.

I got through 50 minutes of cardio on the rebounder and felt like it was a great workout. (META cardio and both sequences from Bootcamp cardio.)

I love the new bootcamp MS series.....I did 25 reps of each move and wasn't swearing at Tracy every 2 minutes the way I was in the Days 1-10 sequence. The abs section, on the other hand, was tough, and I'm feeling it's a good pain, though---- as in, I know it's working, kinda pain.

Unfortunately, I think I prolly undid all the weight loss bonus from my new neoprene pants the second I dove into JP's incredible pork chops on the grill. This recipe is so damn good, that if I had to choose one last meal on Earth, this would be the one. (We didn't measure out the marinade this time, so next time around, I'll get the recipe posted.) I could have eaten three of those big chops-- I only had one. OK, uh, two bites from a second one. / :

JP and I watched the Miss America pageant last night and I couldn't help wondering if any of the girls were devotees to Tracy. It was the most awkward pageant I've ever seen, by the way! Not only were they eliminating girls and then keeping the eliminated ones onstage for awkward interviews, but while each contestant was performing, there were random anecdotes running at the bottom of the screen: "Hopes to visit outer space." "Terrified of Windmills." I literally thought it was a joke at first! I mean, is Anemomenophobia (fear of wind turbines) really the description you want all of America to read about you? Bizarre!

Speaking of phobias, I've discovered in the last couple days that I've developed one of my own: "Gravitaphobia," an irrational Fear of Weighing. For the second day in a row, I could not bring myself to step on the scale! I think I've just been enjoying a few rare moments of content with the job offer and a really great weekend with JP so far, that I haven't wanted to tarnish the happy with any risk of disappointment by seeing any weight increase. That's dumb, I know... I mean, let's get real here, Parker. Step on the scale. Face the number. Move on. I don't think there's been any shocking weight gain, but I've just felt uncomfortable facing the number. I promise-- tomorrow will be Get Over Scale Phobia Day. For now, I'll just stay in my happy bubble of ignorant bliss!

Back to the Pageant....I loved listening to JP's reactions as we were watching. "She's totally flat," he commented about Miss Something or Other. As I looked over, narrowing my eyes, he clarified, "her VOICE, Parker! Not her rack!" LOL.

The women he said he found most attractive were the girls with more "feminine" figures-- who still had some curves and carried themselves with some semblance of grace. It just goes to show, that no matter how talented some of these girls are, if the confidence isn't there, that "X Factor" is simply missing. My grandmother used to always say, "You can be the most beautiful woman in the world, but if you walk into a room without confidence, no one will notice the true beautyyou possess." That always struck me.

Then, the second Miss America 2011 walked onto stage, Mr. I Like a Girl With More Meat On Her Bones goes, "Dude, is she preggers, or what? I mean, you know that chick has to be wearing those Spanx things, so there's something else going on..." I nearly died laughing. Admittedly, she had a bit of a pooch, but, take it from this former TV chick, television amplifies everything-- a minor bloat could be perceived as a bun in the oven!

Miss Wisconsin, Laura Kaeppeler, wins Miss America

I posted this clip on Facebook earlier this week because I thought this little "Honey Boo Boo" girl was a riot-- but then felt terrible when people started reacting about how sad the child pageant world is, how she already is obese (I mean, check out her Mom in the video). But I was just tickled by her precious personality and confidence-- perhaps boosted by her "special juice!"

I mean, you have to admit, the kid is freaking adorable. But, what chance does she have of any kind of healthy future with a mother like that???!!! Poor little Honey Boo Boo Child!!

I had a roommate in college who was a Beauty Queen and her mom was a total nightmare-- always telling her daughter she needed to lose more weight, get better at her dance choreography, was horrible to witness. Although, thanks to my roomie, I did benefit, (kind of) from some beauty queen tricks of the trade...She gave me advice once before a fraternity formal to help increase my cleavage. With her careful instructions, I literally duck taped my boobs together. Decked out in my dress (wish I still had a pic) it was a beautiful sight-- for the first time in my life, my cups had runneth over! (This was before the Victoria's Secret Wonder Bra era).

Problem was, my date and I got so bombed, that by the end of the night when he unzipped my dress in our hotel room, I'd forgotten all about my little tape situation. Um, can you say AWKWARD?! He did a double take, slurred something to the effect of, "WTF?" and I stumbled to the bathroom, thinking I could just pull it all off-- not so much. I nearly ripped a nipple off in the process and by the time I got as much tape off as much as I could, my date was passed out face down on the bed. Not only did it take a week for all of the sticky remnants to loofah off, I didn't live that episode down for years on fraternity row!

That's all for now, chicas...I'm about to have a citrus snack (yawn!) and then rock out today's workout. I can't believe it's nearly been 2 weeks on Bootcamp! Almost time for another set of pics and measurements -- yikes! I gotta seriously kick this shit into high gear!



  1. BHAHAHA Marisa and I used to do pageants, your duct tape story cracked me up. We were watching Miss America at our respective residences and everytime something major happened it was tweet/txt mania. <3

  2. haha! Duct tape will not be making its way into my beauty bag again! I bet you put Vaseline on your teeth...just admit it, Jen!

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