Friday, November 30, 2012

The Glass is Half Empty....And so is my Wine Bottle

...Actually, the wine bottle is totally empty.  Along with my hopes of getting down to my goal weight and transforming into my teeniest, tiniest self via Tracy Anderson's Dance Cardio and Metamorphosis workouts. 

It's been the worst week I've had in a long time, lovelies.  And I mean, baaaaaaaaad.  Pour me another (or third) glass of wine and hand me a Vicodin kinda bad. 

Minutes after leaving work last Wednesday for the Thanksgiving holiday, I was at a complete stop on the highway in traffic, when a truck-- towing another truck-- came barreling into me from behind.  My car was totaled and my left knee got majorly effed up.  The ER doc told me to make an appointment with an orthopedist ASAP.  I was expecting the diagnosis of a torn ACL which surgery can fix pretty quickly.  But it's worse....

I have articular cartilage damage under my kneecap from the impact.  Surgery very rarely can repair cartilage and the body does not regenerate new cartilage or heal old cartilage easily.  "A lifetime of pain" is how the ortho explained it.  Awesome.

I am absolutely beside myself...I've cried. I've cursed the universe. Then I cried more when I had to pull out my Size 12 pants this week.  New meaning to putting on my "big girl" pants to deal.  FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

I had been making such great progress with my weight loss and my workouts!  I did my dance cardio and Meta religously on my vacae and didn't make a complete pig of myself daily, despite the utter insanity of delish that found it's way onto my plate EVERY night. 

Right now, my anxiety is through the fucking roof--  a week and counting of no workouts, not to mention extreme discomfort, waking up every hour on the hour and hobbling around the TV station in a big ass knee brace with crutches...and, well, a BIG ASS.

I know I'm sounding like a Drama Queen, but the Mistress of Mishaps is having a moment.  Forgive me.

Thank you to all of my friends-- real and online-- who have reached out with positivity and advice and good energy.  Keep it coming.  I need all I can get! Despite my Negative Nancy rant above, I truly refuse to let myself wallow in a carb and wine induced pit of despair.  The only thing that did for me this week was pack on 6 pounds.  (Thus, the size 12 pants.)'s my plan for now.  LAWD....

I'm already working with an excellent attorney who expects a sizeable settlement in my near future.  Although I would give every cent of that big check to just have my knee working normally again. 

Usually swimming is a good option for injuries like this-- but the articular cartilage damage is under my kneecap, which is actually aggravated by the kicking motion of swimming, so that's out.  Fortunately, Bikram Yoga is apparently great for this type of injury.  The founder of Bikram Yoga, Bikram Choudhury, healed a debilitating knee injury with regular practice, which makes me feel encouraged.
Long before I discovered TAM, I practiced Bikram and loved it.  I gave it up when I found Miss Anderson, but have missed it the last few years, so perhaps this will be a positive thing, returning to the hot box! (For those of you who don't know, Bikram is the most popular form of hot yoga-- practiced in a room that's around 105 degrees for 90 minutes.  Sweating your ass off is an understatement.)

As far as diet, well, I've been rather unmotivated in the kitchen, as you can imagine.  Badmuthafucka has taken it upon himself to help me out, bless his heart.  I sent him to the grocery store to pick something up that he can prepare without my help and he came back with wine, blue cheese, mushrooms, onions and rib eye steaks.  "It's the only thing I can cook, baby."  It was divine.

Now that I'm getting zero calorie burn from exercise, I have to be vigilant about eating clean.  I'm making green smoothies daily and trying not to snack.  I know I need to give the wine up again, but it's been the one thing that has relaxed me at the end of painful, uncomfortable days at work.  Thank God they're only shooting my on-camera work from the waist up!  (Hides the leg brace and the ass-- BONUS!)
I know I've promised you all recipes, and I WILL post them soon....
In the meantime, Mistress of Misery, here, *sniff, sniff* is only too happy to receive your love and affection....(or a gift basket with wine and cheese would be fine. The glass is half empty?  The glass is half full?  Whatev.  Just pour me another glass. Oh wait, that's not helping with the ass factor.  Nevermind.)


The Mistress


Saturday, November 17, 2012

Plate Lickin' and Lip Smackin' My Way Through Paradise...

Member of the Clean Plate Club...EVERY night.

This picture pretty much sums up my culinary experience here in beautiful Hawaii!  Jess, my Hostess with the Mostess Mah-velous meals turned me into The Mistress of Plate Lickin' and Lip Smackin'.  In fact, the gutteral sounds elicited from my inner foodie sounded like a combo of Deliverance Meets Debbie Does Dallas.  Cover your children's ears, Puleeze.

WARNING: Vegetarians may be converted to bone sucking carnivores... (Life is better with bacon, people, just sayin'.)

Check out the GORG beer braised baby back ribs drenched in a sticky sweet and spicy homemade BBQ sauce....served with a combo of Yukon gold and sweet potatoes mashed with caramelized onions, creamed spinach, bacon and just a touch of goat cheese.  Food-gasm, anyone????


Notice the plate on the left with twice as many bones and the emptied bottle of wine....That would be, moi.  

Get in my mouth, RAWT NAW!

I just did an episode for Georgia Traveler about the best BBQ in Georgia (my segment starts about 10:30)....and my girl Jess wins, sticky HANDS DOWN!

With all this gnawin' and noshin'-- I have been especially vigilant about doing my workouts.  EVERY. DAY.  Seriously!  I knocked out Meta Level 6 and Dance Cardio '08 Every. Single. Day.  (Well, one day I did Meta cardio.)  Jess' patio was the perfect outdoor workout studio!  Here's the proof-- I snapped this yesterday after dance cardio-- excuse the window distortion!

One thing that's helped with my muscular structure work is to write down the leg moves and then do them on my own.  I do 30 reps and combined with the abs/arms, it takes 45-50 minutes.  A bit longer than the 30 minute video, but I find I get better results when I can just concentrate on the moves and not continually looking up at the screen.  Tracy Anderson even admits she's not good at counting reps on each side, so the consistency of 30 reps works better for me. (And I think I'm seeing faster results!)

I have promised recipes--- and I plan on posting them over the next week....Here is a teaser of pics:

Turkey Florentine Meatballs with a Walnut Sage Pesto Topped with Asiago Cheese Sauce

Raw Walnut "Meat" Tacos in Cabbage Shells with Fresh Pico de Gallo, Tomatillo Salsa and a Nut Cheese Duo: "Dorito cheese and Creamy Chipotle Cheese"

Thai Coconut Shrimp over Rice Noodles with a Mango Basil Salsa

Homemade Dark Chocolate Dipped Pecan Pie Balls (Made with a Gluten Free Crust)

Multiple Food-gams, anyone?


The Mistress


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

A Few of my New Favorite Things...

Look closely and you can see a bride and groom just after saying their vows!

Beyond the absolute paradise that is EVERY moment here in Hawaii, I am gleaning new and fabulous insight from Jess about all things domestic.  Girlfriend not only throws down in the kitchen, she keeps the most spotless, organized house I have ever seen.  (That's with 2 kids, mind you-- including a very precocious toddler who is into everything!)

Now, for those of you who've been following my blog for some time, Mistress of Messy here, has a bit of a problem, um, keeping house.  I'm so untalented in domestic duties, that Badmuthafucka actually begged me to stop doing his laundry because I was turning all of his white wifebeaters various shades of pink.  Not a good look for BMF, by the way.  My mother once said, "Sweetheart, it's a good thing you're such a good cook, because your house keeping skills would drive any man out the door!"

So, I've taken the opportunity to ask Jess about how she gets-- and stays-- ORGANIZED.  She also has a ton of nifty little tricks-- from the best smelling laundry to the perfect soap that will clean your veggies and your makeup brushes.

Let's start with laundry:

RULE #1: NEVER dry on high.  Little Miss Impatient that I am, has never used any other setting!!!  No wonder I shrink and pill every piece of clothing I own.

RULE #2: Put 3 tennis balls in the dryer with pillows and comforters.  The balls will fluff the pillows and linens!

RULE #3:  ALL Free and Clear + Ultra Downy (April Fresh or Clean Breeze scents) + Downy Unstoppables Scent Boosters = The Best Damn Smelling Laundry EVER.

I have been burying my nose into my shirts like a motorboating sonuvabitch ever since Jess did a load of my laundry with her magic combo!

Jess also organizes everything into these neat little baskets so there's no clutter in the laundry room.  She even made this bad ass little curtain to hide the hole in the wall where the utility plugs go by using hem tape on some cute fabric.  Martha Stewart should take some notes-- seriously cute craftiness going on.

We've been starting our mornings with the decadent coffee I described earlier this week, with one heaping Tablespoon of sweetened condensed milk, also known as, sweet, creamy, delicious goodness in my mouth rought naw.  After the coffee has kicked in, Jess has been making us smoothies.  OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEE.

I have been having majah Vitamix LUST.

Here are some of her divine smoothie recipes which make between 2-4 servings.  Just add some ice and blend.  You can put the leftovers in the fridge for the next morning, by the way:

Goshdernitsgood Green Smoothie (pictured above)
3-4 cups spinach
handful of parsley (no stems)
1 1/2 inch slice of pineapple
1 1/2 cups frozen strawberries
1 banana
1 apple
1/2 English cucumber
1 Tb chia seeds

Blueberry Pear Perfection
1 1/2 - 2 cups frozen blueberries
2 pears
2 bananas
3-4 cups spinach
1 Tb. chia seeds
1 tsp spirulina powder
1 cup coconut water

Mango Coconut Paradise (my FAVE so far!)
3-4 cups spinach
2 cups frozen mangos
1 banana
1 tsp spirulina powder
1 cup coconut milk from the can
1/2 cup coconut water
1/4 tsp cayenne

I've never had Spirulina before but it's good for the pooper, has ideal anti-aging benefits and you can't even taste it in the smoothies.  I'm stocking up on this before I leave!

Here are some other tips from my new fave Domestic Goddess:

1. Put Castille soap in a foamer pump and use it to clean fruit, veggies and your makeup brushes.

2. For those of you on the Apple Cider Vinegar kick, fill up a water bottle with filtered water, add 2 Tb. ACV, a packet of stevia and 2 Tb chia seeds.  The stevia makes the ACV palatable, and the chia seeds expand, so it's kind of like tapioca when you drink it--- and it keeps you super full.  OK, so it kinda looks like you're drinking a bottle of dead bugs when the seeds expand, but who cares if you're not hungry 2 hours later!

3. Need a gluten-free substitution for regular flour when you're baking?  Use quinoa flour!

4. Fastest, yummiest scrambled egg ever:  Beat one egg and put in a microwaveable container (uncovered) with a little pad of real butter.  Microwave on high for 30 seconds, stir, then microwave for another 25 seconds.  Fluffy, eggy perfection.

And I haven't even gotten to our dinner collaborations yet.....Holy Shnikes.  Ya'll are in for a treat when I post our recipes later this week.  Serious, mouthwatering, fabulousness.


The Mistress


Sunday, November 11, 2012

Aloha! My Own Personal Hawaii Detox...

Greetings from Paradise!

I am currently enjoying the best vacae of my life in the most beautiful place I've been to on Earth....visiting with my 'sistah from anotha' mistah!'  My besty Jess is someone who started commenting on my blog months ago during my cleanse-- and since then we started texting daily-- sharing recipes, videos of her adorable kids and inducing fits of long distance giggles with snarky, sassy comments!  Fast forward to a few weeks ago, her incredible hubby decided that the perfect birthday gift for Jess was a round-trip ticket for ME to come visit her IN HAWAII-- when does that happen???

You should have seen us meeting at the airport for the first time when she came to come pick me up.  We were jumping up and down like school girls!  Her son summed it up when we finally got into the car:  "YAY FRIENDSHIP!"  Yay friendship, indeed!!

We have 9 incredible days to spend together and after 2 full days, I am soaking it all in-- from Jess' scrumptious smoothies (frozen blueberries, pear, banana, chia seeds, coconut water and spirulina) to some of the most gorgeous views on Earth of the Pacific.  Mistress of Mucho Vino here, hasn't even been boozing at all-- and I'm not even missing it.  We have been eating super healthy-- aside from one indulgence at a local joint called Maui Mike's-- see evidence of the carnage below....BEST dang rotisserie chicken I've ever had.

Carnage from Maui Mike's Rotisserie Chicken Platters

Jess has also introduced me to the most luscious coffee I've ever experienced....Dulce de leche meets Java....ooooooooohhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. She stirs sweetened condensed milk into coffee. I will never buy Irish creamer again.  Jess' coffee actually has fewer calories because you only need 1 tablespoon to turn regular Joe into "Te Quiero Jose, para siempre!"  (I love you Joe, forevah!!!)

Dulce de Leche DE DELISH
Our days have been so packed, we haven't even really thrown down in the kitchen yet--  so stay tuned for brilliant collaboration from two of the best cooks I know, LOL!

And in the midst of the funnest slumber party evah...(she's turned me on to American Horror Story-- we're both huge horror movie fans!) I have gotten a workout in every single day!  We took our yoga mats outside yesterday and did our Meta MS work-- then I rocked out Dance Cardio '08 and I'm feeling nice and sore this morning.

We're heading to the beach today so my white ass can begin transformation into a bronzed Goddess by the time I fly home and start my new job at CBS....


Mistress of Maui