Monday, April 30, 2012

Mistress of Master Cleanse - Day 15

Holy Shnikes.  I can't believe this is the THIRD Monday I've been at work and haven't had solid food.  Day 15 for me and Day 3 for Mister Master Cleanse!  We were joking this weekend about our new routine:  Get up. Poop.  Drink tea/salt water flush.  Poop.  Sip Lemonade.  Poop.  Drink tea.  Poop.

Lots of shit goin' on this weekend!  We had a really relaxing couple days together, lounging by the pool and just laughing ourselves silly.  Early Saturday evening, JP suggested we go out.  Normally, that would involve eating or boozing, neither of which was on the cleanse agenda, so instead, we entertained ourselves with a drive around town and a trip to Stone Mountain.  We walked around, taking in the beautiful sights and basked in absolutely perfect weather.  We both wore hats and appropriately dubbed ourselves, "The Hattersons."

I've never felt so happy, so healthy and so in love!  It is an amazing feeling....sublime, really.

I texted JP from work today to find out if he was detoxing at all....Day 3 for me was horrible.  Um, nope.  "I feel great!" he texts back.  I told him he was a Viking Warrior God-- who else feels fabulous on Day 3 of the Master Cleanse?  It's unheard of.  It's also why someday he's gonna be my Baby Daddy!

I got home and the Bad Muthafucka cup now bears an additional title:

BadMuthafuckaVikingWarriorGod (if anyone's asking!)

Tons of you have contacted me through Facebook for information about the Master Cleanse, so I'm going to do my best to answer your questions--- some of which are drawn from my own experience, others are from Master Cleanse experts (yes, there are people who have made a career from advising about the cleanse-- there are actually Master Cleanse Coaches, which I discovered during an online fact finding mission!)

1. Why should I do the Master Cleanse?
To put it bluntly, our bodies are filled with a ton of garbage that we can't digest and it just ends up sitting around, rotting inside us.  A thick plaque clings to the insides of our intestines, preventing nutrients from being absorbed.  Some people have a whopping 20 pounds of this dense fecal matter clinging to their insides.  That matter is a breeding ground for bacteria and if you don't remove it, it starts to poison you.

This is where the detox comes in.  A detoxification diet gives your body a fresh start-- a reset to your dietary hard drive.  Doing this will make you healthier and will:
  • Lead to increased energy levels
  • Help you break junk food/sugar addiction
  • Cleanse the body of harmful toxins
  • Promote weight loss with a more efficient metabolism
  • Strengthen your immune system and protect against disease

In order to properly detoxify and "flush" the body, the Master Cleanse must be followed strictly for 3 to 10 days. (If you're more advanced, you can stay on for longer, but for those of you doing the cleanse for the first time, it is advised to only go the maximum 10 day stretch.)

I can personally attest to the benefits I have experienced.  I will never know for sure if the cleanse is partly to thank for getting rid of my ovarian cyst, but I think it helped.  My Athlete's Foot cleared up as well as my infected nail cuticles!  I'm down more than 15 pounds and feel like I look 5 years younger.  I swear, my wrinkles are disappearing!

The Master cleanse is extremely effective dealing with acne and other skin conditions.

2. What is the Master Cleanse recipe?

Single Serving:
10 oz filtered water
2 Tb Grade B Maple Syrup
2 Tb lemon juice (approx 1/2 a lemon)
1/10 tsp of cayenne pepper

Daily Serving:
60 oz filtered water
12 Tb Grade B Maple Syrup
12 Tb lemon juice (approx 3 lemons)
1/2 tsp cayenne

Lemon juice MUST BE FRESH squeezed.  Do not use the bottle you can get in the grocery store that says "fresh squeezed."  Buy whole lemons.  I squeeze them by hand, but you can use a juicer too.

The cayenne pepper is absolutely necessary to help break up mucus and increase healthy blood flow.  It's also a source of B and C vitamins.

Only use GRADE B maple syrup.  No Aunt Jemima!  Grade B maple syrup provides a much needed source of carbs and energy during the cleanse-- it's the only element of your daily drink that has calories.  If you want to lose more weight, you can put less syrup in your lemonade, but do not eliminate it.

2 Laxatives are also used on the Master Cleanse:
  • Salt Water Flush (4 cups of water with 2 teaspoons of UNIODIZED sea salt dissolved.)  Ideally the SWF should be taken in the morning on an empty stomach.   Warm water is gentler on the system and helps flush mucus out of your digestive tract.  The flush creates a liquid-y poop that is mostly water.  It takes between 15-45 minutes once you drink it to take effect.  Stay near the bathroom!  If you can't tolerate it, you can opt for only using the tea, once in the morning and once before bed.
  • Herbal Laxative Tea: I use Smooth Move (chocolate flavor is my favorite!)  Best taken before bed (I add a teaspoon of maple syrup in to sweeten it a bit).  Do not over-steep the tea, or the senna leaf in the tea can cause bad cramping and uncomfortable eliminations.  It usually takes 4-8 hours for the tea to take effect.  Eliminations are more solid than the salt water flush poops.
3. Can I exercise on the Master Cleanse?
If you exercise regularly, you should either take some time off or cut out any vigorous exercise.  Your body will be taxed when you go on the Master Cleanse.  As the cleanse starts to work, your body begins eliminating waste and toxins and you'll most likely feel exhausted and depleted.  Do not push your body to do anything strenuous.  Many people enjoy walks and light yoga or stretching while they're cleansing.  The most exercise I've done on this cleanse is daily 30 minute walks with the doggies.

4. How much weight will I lose?
Weight loss is the added bonus of the Master Cleanse.  It should not be your primary goal.  Beyonce famously lost 20 pounds on the cleanse before she started filming Dream Girls, but average weight loss for women is about a pound a after the 10 days, a 10 pound weight loss is average.  Guys tend to lose a bit more.  But, remember, the weight only comes off if you have it to lose.  For those people who are already thin and fit, you may not lose any weight-- or a minimal amount.  Most people gain back about half the weight.  The last time I had success on the Master Cleanse, I kept the weight off by jump starting a 90 minute Tracy Anderson routine 6x per week.

5. Can I take my prescription medications or vitamins while doing the Master Cleanse?
The Master cleanse works best when you let your body cleanse without any added chemicals or supplements.  That said, it would be irresponsible to stop taking certain medications, so check with your doctor first.  I did several successful cleanses while I continued to take Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant.  A cleanse may also help you detox from prescription medications if you are weaning yourself off, but it is very important to consult with a medical professional before doing so.  Your body may not react positively to the "stress" of a cleanse if you are just getting off medications.  Everybody is different.

6. Is there anything I can do about the intense hunger I'm feeling on the cleanse?
On advice from Master Cleanse expert, Raylen Sterling, I take Wheat Grass pills which provide a source of protein, otherwise lacking on the Master Cleanse.  They help sooooo much!  He also suggests using Hoodi-Thin, an all-natural appetite suppressant.  I have not used Hoodi-Thin, but the main ingredient is Hoodia Gordonii, an African plant that suppresses appetite.  There are a ton of fake Hoodia products on the market so Hoodi-Thin is recommended because it is certified, genuine Hoodia.  If you stick with the cleanse beyond Day 3, your hunger truly disappears.  It is a huge reminder how powerful "emotional hunger" is.

7.  What is the secret to successfully completing the 10 days?
People have been asking me this over and over since I started posting about the Master Cleanse.  There are 2 things I can tell you:  The first is to think of your lemonade drink as an IV, with a constant drip, continually "feeding" you all day.  I heat up my lemonade and sip it like tea throughout the day.  Sometimes I put a caffeine free tea bag in and make it more like a lemonade/tea drink.  People who gulp down a glass every few hours run the risk of their blood sugar getting low and thus getting hungry.  If you go out to run errands, make sure you pack your drink to take with you!  I got caught without my lemonade and ended up in a parking lot cutting up lemons in my car!

The second, most important element of success is to CONNECT with your mind and body during this process.  We are constantly battling our bodies, berating these beautiful portals -- our physical vessels that protect our vital organs and continue to heal when we damage ourselves with negativity, junk food, destructive behavior, etc... I posted this earlier on, but want to remind you all what I have been repeating to myself daily:

Dear Body,

You have been my vessel of strength and stability for the last 36 years....You have healed broken bones; you have repaired the damage I have inflicted on you with years of wear, tear and abuse; you have brought me to the finish line of marathons; you have helped me stay in motion and have also taught me stillness; you have filled me with the endorphins of natural ecstasies that inspire me and flushed me of toxins that sicken me; you have renewed my spirit with energy and purpose....I give you permission to let go of negative energy, to shed the skin of excess and impulse. For all of this, I will embrace you, honor you and love you with healthy choices to the best of my ability.

And for that, my lovelies, I think I've earned a cup title of my own:


Saturday, April 28, 2012

Mistress of Master Cleanse - Days 12 & 13

Remember that last post when I said that I wasn't exactly walking around feeling like a Greek Goddess with an enlightened soul and sunshine streaming out of my ass?    Well, yesterday, I felt like a Greek Goddess with an enlightened soul and sunshine streaming out of my ass!

I had an early morning OB-GYN appointment for a sonogram to check out the cyst that was discovered on my left ovary in October.  Back then, I didn't have health insurance and made an appointment anyway because I was in so much intense pain.  The doctor immediately spotted the cyst and explained that it was "complex"-- meaning it was filled with more than just fluid, and that judging from the size of it, I would most likely not only need surgery to remove it, they would have to take out my entire left ovary.

I had surgery to remove a large cyst back in 2001, so I'm familiar with the process-- it's not a serious procedure, but thinking about spending $15,000 out of pocket to remove my ovary was out of the realm of possibility.  I was job hunting and figured I would wait until I had benefits again to schedule surgery.

In the meantime, I consulted with a friend of mine, Dee Ragin, who is a wellness coach, fitness instructor and resident Diva of Holistic Solutions.  She suggested I cut out gluten to help eradicate the cyst.  It was the first time I heard that gluten may be related to the growth of ovarian cysts.  I had already been having issues with gluten giving me digestion issues, so it made sense to make the change.  I noticed a difference in the level of pain almost immediately-- and after a few months, I stopped having cyst pain altogether.

Fast forward to yesterday, I'm watching the sonogram and the technician points to the screen to show me my left ovary.  She literally had to look back at the paperwork to make sure she was looking at the correct ovary and then said, "Wow, Parker-- there's no sign of a cyst at all!"

The cyst is completely gone!  I credit the gluten free diet and this cleanse for getting rid of any trace of that big 'ol cyst.  I am over the moon, I'm so happy!

Guess I have being broke to thank for the fact that I didn't have that surgery--- I feel so incredibly lucky and beaming with health right now!  My fertility levels also came back completely normal, so according to the doctor, I shouldn't have any problems getting pregnant when JP and I start trying next year. ( ;

AND, that dreaded doctor's office scale showed an 18 pound weight loss since my last visit 2 months ago!  (I'm officially down 13 pounds since starting the Master Cleanse).

I posted this pic on Facebook yesterday-- I snapped it in the doctor's office bathroom in my favorite pink pants which were still snug after bootcamp and are now officially loose!

The other thing that has healed for me since starting the Master Cleanse is a chronic case of Athlete's Foot.  I suppose I have my sweaty dance cardio sessions to thank for that-- but an itchy, nasty rash has plagued me for nearly 3 months.  No amount of cream, spray or soaking has gotten rid of it.  Now that we're pushing 80 degrees in Atlanta, I was starting to get nervous about ever sporting open toed shoes again!  

When I was putting my shoes on yesterday, I realized that the entire rash on my feet is GONE.  No more itchy, bumpy, scabbing mess.  Athlete's Foot is officially cleared up!  It is truly amazing what this cleanse is doing for my body.

It's Day 13 today and I feel phenomenal!  I was shocked to come home last night and hear the news from JP that he wants to join me on the cleanse.  This is a 6 foot 3, 240 pound dude who tears into cereal, Nutella and popcorn an hour after he's had 3 helpings of my decadent meal du jour!  Feeding him is one of my greatest pleasures....

So, Mister Master Cleanse, as he shall now be known as, cracks me up.  We went to Whole Foods last night to get lemons, Grade B maple syrup and Smooth Move tea.  He looked into the food-free cart and was like, "Um, is this it?"  'Fraid so, honey!

Note to anyone starting this cleanse, Smooth Move Herbal tea works best, and we just tried the chocolate flavor--- it's da bomb, just sayin'.  I mean, it ain't a mocha with whipped cream, but the chocolate flavor comes through and you don't taste the bitterness of the senna in the tea as much.

This is JP's Bad Muthafucka Cup.  He drinks everything in it--- from protein shakes to Cabernet!  (And if you're wondering, that's a cup from the Dollar Store that he wrote on with a magic marker.  Oh yeah.  That's we roll!)  So, naturally, the BMF cup is what I put his salt water flush in.  You should have seen the expression on his face when he tasted it:  "This tastes like ocean water!  Parker, you could die from drinking that much salt water."

Yes, dear.  Now drink up like the Bad Muthafucka you are!

After his first bathroom trip, he officially named his cup the Bowel Movement Flush Cup.  I was on the floor cracking up!

We are currently lounging by our pool sipping spicy lemonade and listening to reggae.  Life is Officially GOOD.

It's more than GOOD.  It's pretty freakin' awesome.


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Mistress of Master Cleanse - Day 11

Day 11.  Yup, you read it right.  On the day when I was planning to break my fast with some mouthwatering fresh squeezed orange juice and prepare for that luscious vegetable soup, I decided to, *gulp* keeeeeeeeeeeep goooooooooiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnng.  I'm aiming for a total of 20 days.  (It's safe to do the Master Cleanse for up to 40, by the way).

10 days down.  Rinse, repeat.

Cah-razy, right?  Or, maybe... not so crazy.  This cleanse has been really beneficial for me-- both mentally and physically.

Let's start with the mental part:  Have I been walking around feeling like a Greek Goddess with an enlightened soul and sunshine streaming out of my ass?  Uh, no.  Just a few days ago, I was a crazy woman squatting in a gas station bathroom without toilet paper and a seriously gnarly SHIT-UATION streaming out of my ass!  That said, there have been some very connected moments with the inner Mistress in terms of reevaluating my lifestyle.  The wine, the rich dinners, the snacking --- has all added up to major weight gain that even the most dedicated TAM routine won't shed without serious changes to my habits.

Not to freak ya'll out with some hocus pocus talk, but I swear, this cleanse has made me VERY sensitive to people's energy.  I'm not seeing the color of people's auras or anything that freaky, but I have been feeling either very drawn or very repelled by certain energies this week. There was a woman I passed in the hallway at work-- I had never seen her before, and I was so taken aback by the negativity emanating from her, I ducked into the bathroom to get away from her and that yucky energy!  It was wild.

I have also been overly sensitive to sounds (not wanting to hear the drone of TV or loud music at all) and I feel like my sense of scent is full-on Superpower level now.  Thank God I love the way Mr. Man smells--- I leaned in to kiss him today and everything about his scent is attractive to me.  I've never known someone who smelled good ALL THE TIME.  Even when he's been working outside and sweating, his musky manly smell is a huge turn on for me!

Getting though this cleanse takes major will power and mental strength.  There are temptations everywhere....This morning was a true test.  My boss brought in donuts from Sublime Donuts, just voted Best Bakery in America.  Really, dude?  I didn't even dare look into the box.  The morning meeting we have is in my producer's office-- a small space probably only 10'-12'.   Let's stuff 9 people into a room with a box of donuts and a starving girl.  Awesome.   The moment of temptation was quickly extinguished by the sweaty, morning breath stink of my co-workers--- I literally couldn't get out of that room fast enough!  Then I sucked down my mint tea like I was eating a homemade bavarian cream donut.

Now let's talk physical effects of the cleanse:  First, what you all are "weighting" for....Day 11 and down 12.5 pounds.  I'm thrilled!  I actually had to take off a pair of pants this morning because they were simply too baggy to wear to work!  Skinny jeans are still about 10 pounds away, but I am soooooo cloooooose!

I hit a plateau months ago at 160--- then put on more weight and couldn't get the scale to budge below 162 during bootcamp.  I finally hit the 150's this week!  Down to 158.4.  I consider that a huge victory.  The weight has been falling off--  finally.  I can tell I am losing some muscle, but I am also seeing some of those sculpted muscles from my months of Tracy Anderson workouts pop out from underneath the fat layer that is melting away.

The last time this happened, I kept the weight off with intense TAM workouts-- the cleanse stripped away the fat and TAM added some muscle back.  My body was rockin'!  That's the plan this time around too.

Cutting out caffeine was tough--- although I really didn't have much withdrawal as far as headaches and shakiness.  I do miss the taste of coffee, but I do not miss the restlessness it causes me at night.  I have been sleeping better than I have in YEARS.  Deep sleep without waking up a hundred times!  Lastnight I had a dream that JP and I bought a bunch of candy and brought it home.  Instead of gorging on it, I said to him in the dream, "I don't feel hungry for candy right now.  Let's save it for later."  HUH????  Those words would never come out of my mouth in real life--- really?  Save it for later?  Could it be that this cleanse is perhaps helping the Mistress find that Moderation that has eluded her for so long?  Perhaps?

Dare to dream.  HA!  Literally.

I am truly craving healthy foods now, which is fabulous.  Visions of hearty salads with chickpeas and beets, banana smoothies, juicing some kale/lemon/ginger/apple....all sounds divine.

JP has kindly taken over cooking duties for himself.  It's just too much for me to try to cook for him on this cleanse.  I almost had an anxiety attack frying up chicken for him the other night.  While I'm sure he'd be psyched to see some girl on girl action, the vision of me licking Paula Deen's plump thighs is probably not what he had in mind.  Just venturing a guess.

More tomorrow to answer some of the questions I've been getting from girls on

Do I have to do the cleanse for 10 whole days?  Can I do it for less time?  What kind of water do you use?  Do you workout on the cleanse?  

Feel free to post questions and I'll answer them in the next entry!


Monday, April 23, 2012

Mistress of Master Cleanse - Days 7 & 8

The finish line is in sight now!  2 more days of lemonade and laxative tea and 4 more days before I can sink my teeth into a luscious piece of broccoli and a decadent bite of carrot!  I am seriously salivating about some veggie soup, yo!

So, yesterday (Day 7) was pretty uneventful-- I actually found myself looking forward to Monday and going to work, because it's easier to keep my mind off "cleansing" when I'm busy.  I had forgotten to take the Wheat Grass pills until today and they made a huge difference in my hunger level.  On some cleanses, I haven't been hungry much at all-- this one, there are waves of intense hunger and then times when I forget about food for hours at a time.

Up until now, the laxative tea has been really gentle on my bowels-- a little bit of cramping, but for the most part, working on time when I get up in the morning.  I've been really careful about not steeping it too long, because I have had some very uncomfortable experiences with that in the past! A little too much senna can create major cramps and well, explosive diarrhea.

This morning, no poop.  So, I made my daily batch of spicy lemonade and got on the road.  About 30 minutes into horrible rush hour traffic, the cramps started.  But they passed, and I just kept on thinking, OK, you can make it to work, it's just 5 miles!  But traffic was not moving and then the cramps hit again.  Much worse this time. Uh Oh.

Ya'll know that term, "Pushing Cotton?"  Um, that doesn't begin to describe the sudden urgency coming from my clenched hiney! I knew that if I eeked out a squeak of a toot, it would not only have been a "SHART," I would have had a full-on SHIT-UATION in my pants.

I pulled off the highway and raced to a nearby gas station.  The guy at the counter must have seen my face because he gave me the key for the 'out of order' restroom!  Lawd, if that door wasn't stuck and I'm jingle jangling that key like my life depended on it!  I swear, 30 more seconds and I would have ripped a diaper off of Sweet Baby Jesus!!!!

I rush into the shitter and there is no lid on the toilet and no toilet paper....But there was not a moment to ponder TP at that point-- I just had to get my squat on!  Holy Shitballs.  Literally.

I won't even go into the horrendous procedure of having to leave the bathroom to ask Mr. Gas Station man for some toilet paper.  Awesome.

The rest of the day was spent trying to ward off hideous smells.  During the cleanse, the olfactory sense is peaked, so the slightest smell that your "non-cleansing" nose might not pick up can become distracting or full on unbearable.

The other night, I was in bed and smelled a slightly burned odor.  It took me a minute to realize that the oven was on---- a smell I picked up from 3 rooms away!

Today, I was at a press conference that was serving lunch for some political high rollers.  It wasn't the food that was bothering me at all, but the breath of the newspaper reporter who sat next to me!  Dragon breath is putting it mildly.  He kept on trying to talk to me, asking me question after question....I finally had to cut him off with a pretend message on my phone!  Then, when all of the reporters gathered together to interview Georgia State Senator Saxby Chambliss, it was like a cacophony of nasty smells-- bad breath, body odors galore.  So gross!  I couldn't wait to get out of there!

I've left JP to his own culinary devices today--- last night I made him a Paula Deen recipe I tried out--- Southern Fried Chicken.  I wanted to straddle those juicy thighs and make them my Bee-atch, they looked so freaking good.  (Sorry Paula!)

The good news is that I'm down 9.5 pounds!  Although, for the first time since I started the Master Cleanse, I really miss working out.  I was frankly really burned out after the last 3 months of intense workouts 6x a week.  I know I'm losing some muscle tone, but my plan is to drop as much dead weight as I can on the cleanse and then get everything toned and tightened with Metamorphosis.

Teeny, Tiny, TamTastic is so close!

Bring on Day 9!


Saturday, April 21, 2012

Mistress of Master Cleanse - Day 6

Day 6 was a day of extremes -- as in, Mistress of Many Mood Swings.  I slept until 7:30am and when I woke up, it was one of those cozy, sleepy, I'm so excited I can sleep in and cuddle under my covers for as long as I want kind of wake-ups.  After feeding all of my babies breakfast (Bonnie & Clyde, our pit bulls, and of course, Mr. Man-- see his lovely plate below...Yup, I'm Girlfriend of the Year for making JP breakfast (and dinner as you scroll down) when I can't eat!! (Down another pound today, by the way, making total weight loss to date 8.2 pounds)

Bacon, Eggs, Grilled Roll and Strawberries for Mr. Man This Morning

So, I crawled back into bed around 9:30am and slept until 2:45pm.  This is unheard of for me.  I am part of the 1% of the human population who actually hates to sleep.  I hate falling asleep, I hate the fact that I wake up a zillion times, I hate getting up in the morning, and I hate doing it all over again the next night....I know, I'm a freak of nature.  I would rather just start the next day without having to lay my head on a pillow.  I have always felt like sleep was a waste of time and would much rather not have to do it at all.

So, you can imagine, it was quite a change for me to not only have had a restful sleep (perhaps cutting the caffeine out really has made a difference) but then truly wanting to go back to sleep and actually enjoying it!  Waking up, I felt like I had been slipped several Xanex with a muscle relaxer or two-- I was super calm, filled with that serene feeling I experienced on Day 4. 

I had to go out and run a bunch of errands and made the mistake of not bringing enough lemonade with me.  I found myself pulling over and hitting a grocery store where I proceeded to buy a knife, lemons, bottled water and Grade B maple syrup!  There I was back in the parking lot, cutting and squeezing freaking lemons-- it was classic.  

The problem is, I think the damage was done and my blood sugar had dropped too low.  All that time spent sleeping, I missed a number of servings of lemonade.  So, I got home, had some tea and began making dinner for JP.  I started with potatoes-- a Pioneer woman recipe which requires steaming/boiling small red potatoes until fork tender.  The idea is to smash each potato and bake them with rosemary and olive oil.  I guess I pulled them out too early because when I tried to smash them with the potato masher, they kept popping off the damn pan or getting stuck on the potato masher.  JP comes into the kitchen just as I start having a major mashing meltdown.  He witnessed me hitting the tray with the potato masher and then watched as I proceeded to throw-- yes, throw the potato masher across the stove. Oh yeah.  Total temper tantrum.  

JP was like, UM, OOOOOKKKKKK, starving girl, what did you do with my sweet girlfriend?  Please feed her and return her to me immediately!

I am usually Queen of Calm, especially in the kitchen-- my favorite helps me de-stress and unwind!  Apparently NOT after 6 days of no food.  After that little whacked out blood sugar meltdown, I felt much better after swilling a cocktail of laxative tea, lemon and Grade B maple syrup.   Yummy.  Not.

This is really important for anyone planning on doing the Master Cleanse:  ALWAYS BE PREPARED WITH EXTRA LEMONADE!!!!!!!!

My actual physical hunger wasn't as bad as it was yesterday, but I just really miss eating in general.  Crunching down on solid food, to be specific.  I have also realized during my daily routine, how many opportunities I take to snack, now that I'm NOT snacking.  For example, I usually give the dogs a treat of a marrow bone filled with a little peanut butter.  Normally, I would give them their bones and then help myself to a spoonful (or two.)  

When I'm cooking, I taste constantly, which has been a real bit*h the last week!  But, I also recognize how many calories I'm taking in while I'm cooking-- probably the equivalent of an entire meal's worth, before I even make my dinner plate.

It's these realizations that help in the post-cleanse diet.  When you realize you can go 10 days without anything to eat,  you become much more mindful of your portions and what you're actually putting in your pie hole!

Gotta hit the sack-- I have an early morning tomorrow-- doing a 3 hour radio shift for our fundraising drive--- yippee.  Hoping the laxative tea doesn't hit me in the middle of that live broadcast!

Below are the pics from dinner and a couple recipes for you!  Enjoy.

Oh yeah...JP accused me of "EYE FU**ING" his food today. I was like, "I want to make sweet love to that chicken breast honey!"  And then, I took a whiff of that bad boy and food-gasmed again.  *sigh.* 


The Pioneer Woman's Pretty Potatoes
My Not So Pretty smashed potatoes

Good thing everything tasted better than my potatoes looked!  Here's a picture of the finished dinner for JP: 
Orange and Rosemary Glazed Breast of Chicken with Fried Eggplant, Smashed Potatoes & Roasted Broccoli
  Here's the recipe for the Chicken-- I made it up and it turned out delish (Confession: I did lick a spoon with the sauce just to make sure it was seasoned correctly!)  Notice the addition of Grade B Maple syrup to the sauce recipe-- I figure, I'm living on it, why not use it for the sauce! Brilliant!

Orange and Rosemary Glaze
1 small onion or half a large onion (chopped/diced)
3 garlic cloves (diced)
2 Tb butter
1 Tb olive oil
1 cup fresh squeezed orange juice
1 1/2 Tb horseradish
2 Tb molasses
2 Tb Grade B Maple Syrup 
2 Tb Apricot Jelly
sprig of rosemary (entire sprig, not chopped for sauce)

To prepare sauce:
Melt butter and olive oil in a sauce pan. Saute onion and garlic together, then add the rest of the ingredients and let simmer on medium heat for 15 minutes.  Turn down to low.

Roast Breast of Chicken
2 bone-in chicken breasts with skin
paprika, salt and pepper for seasoning
2 Tb butter
1 Tb olive oil
2 sprigs of rosemary (remove stems and chop rosemary)

To prepare chicken:
Preheat oven to 400.  Dry off breasts with a paper towel and season both sides with salt, pepper and paprika.  Put a small tab of butter under the skin of each chicken breast.  Melt 2 Tb butter and 1 Tb olive oil in frying pan (I use a cast iron pan that can go in oven) and add chicken skin side down to the pan.  Do not move chicken around in pan while it browns-- let it sit for 6-7 minutes until skin is golden and then flip.  Saute for another 6-7 minutes.  Baste chicken with sauce on both sides, sprinkle rosemary on both breasts and bake for 20-25 minutes or until chicken is done and juices run clear.  

Baste chicken with sauce again before serving.

The eggplant is insanely good and super duper easy:

Parker's Fried Eggplant
1 Eggplant sliced with skin on
3/4 cup flour
3-4 eggs
1 cup of panko and 1 cup of seasoned breadcrumbs
2 cups canola oil for frying

Put oil in your preferred frying pan-- I use a large soup pot/Dutch Oven.  Put the oil on Medium/High heat.  You'll know the oil is ready when you flick it with water and hear a sizzle!

Slice eggplant in slices of your desired thickness and lay out on a paper towel. Sprinkle each slice with some sea salt and let it "sweat"-- you want to remove the moisture so the eggplant doesn't get soggy.  Once there are beads of water on the slices, turn them over on the paper towel and sprinkle some more salt on the other side.  Blot slices again before dredging in a 3 part dip:

1. Dip slices in flour
2. Then, dip slices in eggwash (I used 3-4 eggs whisked together)
3. Lastly, dip eggplant in panko/breadcrumb mix (I used a mixture of plain panko, which is a Japanese breadcrumb that is thicker than your average breadcrumbs and also seasoned breadcrumbs). 

Use tongs to put slices in oil.  Don't crowd them-- do 3-4 at a time so they brown evenly.  Let slices fry on one side for a few minutes until golden brown then flip.  Have a plate lined with paper towel to put the slices on after the come out of the oil.  Sprinkle a bit of sea salt on the slices before serving.  They are crunchy and so tasty!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Mistress of Master Cleanse - Day 5

NOTE:  Not sure why my text is all screwy, but it keeps publishing different sizes and fonts!  Sorry!

I read a great quote on a blog yesterday from someone in the middle of the Master Cleanse:  
"Psychologically I'm fine, stubbornly satisfied to exist in the netherland between rabid hunger and an eternal lemonade stand."

And that, lovelies, is how the Mistress is feeling on Day 5-- dare I say that I'm  half-way through it all?!?

My day started out extremely well--- despite waking up from a binge dream.  Dreaming about food is common on this cleanse.  2 nights ago, I dreamt I was giving Oprah my fabulous and delicious bonbons, but realized they were melting in a suitcase!  DOINK!  Lastnight, I had a dream I was eating chocolate eclairs with my hands and realized there were ants crawling all over the pastry.  I kept on eating them.  Oh yes.  Can someone say, "Hungry much?"  The thing is, I had a conscious moment in the dream when I realized I didn't really feel like eating any more eclairs (chocolate covered ants included!)  So, I guess that was a victory.  Fortunately, the eclair pig out didn't show up on the scale this morning-- down 2 more pounds for a total of 7.2 pounds in 5 days!  I had an overall sense of serene calm that lasted until, well, the hunger kicked in.  More on that in a sec.

I had such a productive day yesterday, that I was actually left with very little work today, so I spent the morning browsing a bunch of websites dedicated to food allergies.  I've mentioned this before, but to catch up anyone new, ever since getting off my medications (Wellbutrin and Adderall), I have developed some random and bizarre allergies/bad reactions to certain foods, including: gluten/wheat, shellfish, pork and some dairy.  I have never had an allergy in my life.  It's weird.  And, it's totally counter-intuitive for Mistress of Many Menus--- I consider myself a Chef, for Pete's sake!  

So, now that I'm cleansing, it will be the perfect time to do an allergy elimination test when I'm done with fasting.  The idea is to spend a month with a diet that is free of gluten/wheat, corn, dairy, soy, eggs and caffeine (I'm deliberately not mentioning alcohol, but that's ideal to cut out too!)  Then, after 3-4 weeks, add each item back to my diet one at a time and see how my body reacts.  I've gotten used to not having gluten/wheat, but giving up corn, dairy and eggs will be tough for me.  I've been substituting corn starch for white flour in certain dishes and have been eating corn tortillas as a gluten-free alternative, but maybe I'm just causing more problems for myself.  Eggs made me violently ill twice in the last couple months, so they may very well be an issue for me, despite my love of omelets and hard boiled eggs.

I came across this website called My Real Food Life and was having Food-Gasms at my desk.  I mean, homemade corn chips without the cornmolasses gingersnap cookiesgluten-free/vegan chocolate ganache cupcakes.... and everything is soy, dairy, egg, corn and gluten free!    

 Molasses Gingersnap Cookies
 Chocolate Ganache Cupcake
Corn Chips without the Corn

Perhaps it was looking at pictures like this that caused my pervasive hunger all day.  Even during my worst detoxing days (Day 2 & Day 3) I wasn't this hungry.  And it's the kind of hunger that pushes out from under your sternum-- not a little tummy rumbling-- the seriously, I'm effing hungry, where is my sustenance kind of hunger.  I don't think I added enough Grade B maple syrup to my lemonade mix today-- and watering it down the way I have I think has depleted too many calories.

I didn't do the Salt Water Flush the last two days because by the time I got around to it, it was 9pm and I was so exhausted, I didn't want to wait an hour for it to take effect...That's the other great thing about cutting the caffeine-- I've been falling asleep faster and staying asleep longer.  The laxative tea has been working, but I will attempt the flush again tonight.  It's just gnarly and I don't like it.  Plus, the salt makes me puffy in the morning.  Depending on how I feel, I may just start taking 2 laxative teas and forego the SWF altogether.  (That is technically allowed on the cleanse).  Psyllium Husk is supposedly another laxative option, but I haven't experimented with that on this cleanse.

The other thing I'm adding into the rotation starting tomorrow are Wheat Grass pills which helped curb my hunger a great deal on my last successful cleanse.  A Master Cleanse expert, Raylen Sterling, who published a book called Master Cleanse Secrets, swears by Wheat Grass pills on the cleanse, because they provide a much needed (and much lacking) protein source.

My only exercise has been walking the dogs-- and that has felt taxing.  I'm definitely still detoxing-- my face broke out in little bumps today-- not like pimples or hives, but what looks like a mild rash.  It's not itchy, but it's noticeable.  My tongue, though, is starting to lose that gross white film which covered it a couple days ago, and that is definitely a sign that I am successfully "cleaning" out my system!

On to Day 6!


Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Mistress of Master Cleanse - Day 4

What a difference a day makes! I feel so much better today....still a little achy and snotty, but I have definitely turned a corner. I snapped the above pic this morning-- pleased to see that my usual morning "puffiness" has subsided substantially! My skin feels smooth and everything feels a little tighter and tinier.

I did a lot of thinking about yesterday's post concerning "letting go" and began meditating before bed and then again in the morning-- basically having a little convo with my body. It goes something like this:

Dear Body,

You have been my vessel of strength and stability for the last 36 years....You have healed broken bones; you have repaired the damage I have inflicted on you with years of wear, tear and abuse; you have brought me to the finish line of marathons; you have helped me stay in motion and have also taught me stillness; you have filled me with the endorphins of natural ecstasies that inspire me and flushed me of toxins that sicken me; you have renewed my spirit with energy and purpose....I give you permission to let go of negative energy, to shed the skin of excess and impulse. For all of this, I will embrace you, honor you and love you with healthy choices to the best of my ability.

I don't know whether it was a truce that me and the Bod came to or simply the cleanse catching up to me, but this morning I had a renewed sense of strength and vitality. When I got on the scale, a total of 5.2 pounds were gone! I was especially surprised since I went to bed last night without the salt water flush-- and the laxative tea didn't do anything except wake me up with cramps at 3am. No elimination, but still significant weight loss.

A lovely girl on one of the TAM Facebook pages has a blog that I just discovered-- and she writes about the power of connection and positive/negative energy as it relates to our bodies. Here is a paragraph from Sam's blog, writing about a spiritual guru named Babaji's philosophy:

Scientific studies have shown that every cell of the human body has 8 gigabytes of memory and we have 20 trillion cells in the human body. Babaji says that every time was think something negative - about yourself, friend or family member or even a bad childhood memory; sub-consciously we are storing the negative energy of the memory in our cells and when the negative energy is high enough, it manifests in our body as a disease. To me, this is fascinating-the mind-body relationship and just how our body is constantly listening to our mind. Of course we all know about placebo. Scientist are constantly blown away by the mind’s ability to heal itself just by believing it's getting the right treatment. ShivYog takes it a step further. It says we can heal ourself by believing we can.

How many times have we held in negative emotions only to have them erupt in a way that makes us physically sick or poisons our personalities for a period of time? How many times have we stood in front of the mirror and cursed our beautiful bodies for not being thin enough, toned enough, perfect enough? Sometimes I wonder if the healing truly begins when we reach a level of peace with our physicality....

Today for work I had to cover a press conference where they were serving a huge luncheon-- the smells of the food didn't necessarily make me want to eat something, but it got my tummy rumbling again. The good thing about the lemonade mix is that it usually puts the kibosh on the hunger pretty quickly. The best part of the day was the 15 minute massage I got as part of our fundraising drive-- all employees and volunteers got a free massage-- my achy body sooo needed it!

I found a great description of Day 4 on a Master Cleanse site:

Day 4 may bring a clearing on several fronts. Often, you begin to get over the physical symptoms of what people call “Healing Events” (although they are reported to come throughout the cleanse, at any time). You may also get over the psychological need for food (although you do often feel a little tweak of “want”, not of “need”). The psychological “need” for food isn’t always a centered thought. We think we need the worst kinds of foods. We are socially conditioned to think “I need meat”, or “Three squares per day”. These ideas are artifacts from old concepts we can now disprove to some degree or another.

Perhaps the greatest benefit from the Master Cleanse is the new-found recognition that you don’t have to stuff yourself. Or that a big, beautiful piece of broccoli can sustain like a nice breast of chicken. The social adaptation we have made to meat can be replaced with a new norm, a new paradigm.

I've been thinking a lot about my diet post-cleanse. The best part of the Master Cleanse is that it reformats your dietary hard drive. All of those bad cravings for fried, rich, fat-filled foods literally disappear! Today I have been thinking about this delicious mix I have for fresh baked gluten-free bread, roasted brussel sprouts (seriously!) and a chocolate banana smoothie!

I'm considering giving up meat for a while after the cleanse and permanently eliminating coffee from my daily routine. I'm convinced that the creamer I use is making me fat! (International Delights Irish Cream-- prolly not the best choice, eh?!) I have a new juicer that I haven't ever used, so that will definitely move into the regular rotation. I juiced some kale, apple, ginger and lemon a couple months ago--- it was amazing. The work that went into the actual juicing and the clean up was a pain in the butt, but so worth it. Why not swap out coffee for green juice?? Even JP seems on board!

More on diet ideas tomorrow...

Thanks for listening to my long diatribe today!


Mistress of Master Cleanse - Day 3

Yup. This video pretty much sums it up. Chest bursting alien. That's what it's like releasing the nasty ass toxins that are inside me! Here's a lovely list of what's going on in the Mistress' Detox World:

*Coated Tongue: This lovely side-effect creates breath that is kickin' like Bruce Lee...I certainly wouldn't want to be waking up with me these days! Toxins released through your mouth coat your tongue in a milky, white film that is just foul. The great news is, that by Day 8 or 9, your tongue emerges beautifully pink and healthy. I'll have to take some before and after pics. It's wild.

*Overall Body Aches: Aches and pains all over-- today, more isolated pain in my lower back and upper arms. It still feels like I'm sore from a killer workout and also simultaneously knocked out with a bad flu.

*Cold Body Temperature: This is naturally what happens when your metabolism slows down during detox. My hands feel like I've been juggling ice cubes for 3 days, but my cheeks are flushed and burning slightly. Most people in the newsroom are sporting short sleeves-- I'm bundled up in a sweater and scarf!!! All I can think about is getting into a hot bubble bath when I get home!

*Alternating Between Nauseous and Grumbling Tummy: I was hit with a wave of horrible nausea this morning on my drive to work. I seriously wondered if I was going to have to pull over, I felt so sick. Sipping some tea helped it pass, but I was not a happy camper this morning. I warmed up the lemonade mix all day today again, diluting it with hot water and caffeine free tea bags. I was shocked to see that I was actually UP .4 pounds this morning, so I'm trying to drink less of the syrup and more lemons/tea and water. In the middle of my morning editorial meeting, I was so afraid that everyone was going to hear my grumbling stomach! I alternated between feeling pukey and starving until about noon. Things have finally evened out a bit, but I'm still feeling horrible.

*Cravings: Yesterday, all I could think about was the Buffalo Chicken salad on the beautiful Loretta Urban's blog:

Loretta Urban's Buffalo Chicken Salad

I mean, does that look delish or what??? I can't wait to try it when I'm done cleansing! And for some random reason, yesterday I was haunted by visions of a toasted turkey sandwich from Quizno's with honey mustard dressing, which I haven't indulged in since I switched my diet to gluten-free.

Quizno's Toasted Turkey Sub

Today, on the other hand, I was craving fruit-- watermelon specifically. The last time I did the cleanse, I think I lived on watermelon for several days after my detox--- the cold, crisp, sweet deliciousness that is watermelon was all I wanted! I guess it's a good thing I'm not lusting after deep fried Twinkies or tater tots, right?

Want. Watermelon. Now.

I listened to a great video from a Life Coach today about "letting go" during the Cleanse, emotionally and physically, which will help further any detoxifying and weight loss benefits. I've mentioned before how important your state of mind is on this cleanse-- you have to be patient with yourself and honor your body during the process.

I've never done dry skin brushing before, but this might be a good time to try it out-- not only encouraging the detoxifying effects, but more connection to your body during the cleanse. Here's an article I found:

There are a zillion youtube video diaries about the Master Cleanse-- many people who've done the maximum 40 days on the cleanse! I can't imagine lasting that long....3 days is killing me! But after Day 4, in my experience, it gets easier....I can only hope!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Mistress of Master Cleanse- Day 2

Oh now I remember what detoxing is like....


Today was definitely rough. I actually wasn't really hungry or tempted by food at all--- it was how I was feeling physically. My whole body is sore-- I feel like I did a marathon TAM exercise session and then came down with the flu. These are typical detox symptoms and they're going to last for a few more days before that euphoric fabulousness takes effect.

I also was freezing all day...Instead of drinking my lemonade at room temperature which is what I normally do, I warmed it up like tea. I'll definitely be bringing a sweater to put on at work tomorrow!

Down 1.4 pounds as of this morning-- I was actually surprised it wasn't more. But the great thing about this cleanse is that you only lose what you need to. If I can drop 15 by the end of it all, I would be thrilled! But far more important than the weight loss for me is how I always feel after the Master Cleanse...rejuvinated in mind, body and spirit.

Just finished my salt water flush-- I always add a few granules of chicken bouillon to help me get it down--- it tastes more like chicken soup that way.....Now I'm waiting for the, uh, poop to happen. Awesome.

Bring on Day 3!


Monday, April 16, 2012

Mistress of Master Cleanse- Day 1

It's the big day, lovelies...Mistress of Many Diets and Master of None has committed to the Master Cleanse for the next 1o days! As I mentioned in my previous post, the Master Cleanse is something I've done successfully several times. It ain't easy. It ain't pretty. But it works.

I took the weekend to ease in-- cutting out meat and sticking to fruits, veggies and rice. This way, the first day isn't such a complete shock to the system. But there's no way around the absolute hell of the first couple days while your body (and mind) adjust to no food, no chewing, no swallowing anything-- except for the lemonade concoction, a salt-water flush and some laxative tea. Let's break it down:

It ain't easy
Even after my weekend of light eating, (no binge meals or last minute french fry runs!) starting my morning without coffee was ROUGH. I had my laxative tea the night before, but nothing was, um, moving, the way it should have when I woke up, so looks like I need to steep the tea longer to get the desired effect. I learned the hard way not to steep it too long, or you feel like aliens have invaded your abdomen and are ripping out your large intestines.....but that is part of the "It ain't pretty" description!

I made a large batch of the lemonade and put it in "Bubba," my new BFF-- a giant 52 oz mug that could double as a weapon it's so heavy!
Bubba-- Meet Lemonade!

By the time noon rolled around, I was S.T.A.R.V.I.N.G. When you abstain from all solid food, your senses get super sharp....the smell of a Lean Cuisine heated up in the office microwave made me want to eat the cardboard box I was so hungry! Driving home, the sweet, smoky smell of a distant barbecue wafted into my Jeep-- and then walking into the house, JP had chicken in the oven and it nearly knocked me over!

That said, in my past experience with the cleanse, I lost all taste and desire for meat altogether. This time around, I think I may stick with the non-meat diet post-cleanse for a while. I've been craving meat less and less over the last few months-- opting for more vegetable and tofu based dishes.

It ain't pretty
Let's talk potty. Potty mouth is what my dry mouth tastes like right now-- no solid food for nearly 24 hours!!! The other potty, is what I'm referring to, though. Both the laxative tea and the salt water flush create an unnatural urgency that is, well....urgent. The tea and the flush are supposed to clean out years of gunk, junk and possibly any toys you may have swallowed as a small child! (No joke, I read that on a Master Cleanse blog somewhere this week! Can you imagine looking into the toilet and thinking, "Well there's where that matchbox car was!")

Pooping out toxins is as important to your results as the liquid diet. That's what's so crazy by the 8th or 9th day--- you think you've gotten everything out, when all of the sudden-- you've got more poop. MORE POOP, INDEED!

It works
Plain and simple. The Master Cleanse works. After the 3rd day, you stop thinking about food--- your hunger completely disappears. I never thought there would be a point on a liquid cleanse when I wouldn't be hungry, but it happens. Then, about a week in, I experienced this strange, lucid euphoria-- I had so much energy, positive vibes and felt like I could have conquered anything-- except for maybe a double Cheeseburger!

I have never weighed myself on the cleanse, but I always fit right back into those Skinny Jeans afterwards....I'm curious this time around, what the results will be in numbers.

My head is in a good place (mental clarity and non-stressed mindset is key to success on this cleanse) and I'm ready for that euphoric energy to kick in....Although, right now, the only thing I want to kick in is the cupboard and eat something...ANYTHING! I jest. Well, not really.

As always, if I can get through the first day, I can get through 10 more. Unlike the Tracy Anderson bootcamp diet, though, there is no spoonful of Nutella or a rogue handful of chocolate chips....after a few days of cleansing, that could send your body into serious crisis mode and make some majah pain for your intestines!

OK, lovelies, headed to make my salt water flush-- if I close my eyes when I drink it, I can pretend it's chicken soup....not great, but it helps me get it down!

I'm going to try to do a daily post of my progress.....Here's to Skinny Jeans and California!

Monday, April 9, 2012

It's that time of year again...To Cleanse or Not to Cleanse?

If you've been following this blog regularly, you've witnessed the Mistress failing attempting several different diets. There was the 30 Day Method diet plan to go along with bootcamp, which I managed to stick to about 60% of the time. There were some majah mess-ups in the form of Nutella and wine binges, but I still lost about 15 pounds by the end of it all.

Then, there was the Chrono-nutrition plan, which promptly turned out to be an easy way for me to GAIN 7 pounds! (Truth be told, I think I took the cheese and chocolate concessions a bit too far.)

Basically, since the end of bootcamp, I've been gaining and losing and gaining (again!) the same 5-7 pounds, putting my weight in the 165-170 range, give or take....It's not pushing 180, the way I was before bootcamp, but it is still heavier than I'm comfortable with. I feel like I'm wearing this shell of extra skin and fat--- that if I could just shed-- would reveal the REAL me-- the, um, teeny tiny version that I much prefer...

I've pretty much realized that the Teeny Tiny Version of me ain't gonna happen when the Mistress likes to guzzle red wine every night of the week. It's also not gonna happen with the trucker sized portions of dinner that result from that relaxed, wine-induced, "Oh, it's just another 3 or 4 ounces of chicken" mentality. (More like an extra serving or two of dinner!!)

All of the hours I'm putting in each week on my workouts are in essence getting x'd out by my bad eating habits.

I've had it.

Something has to change.

I admit it. I'm an all-or-nothing kinda girl. Moderation is my biggest challenge. That said, Mistress of Mayhem here, has in the past, successfully done a juice cleanse for 2 weeks. Mistress of Mucho Bacon gave up meat for a year in college. And, believe it or not, Mistress of My Shin Splints Are Killing Me actually trained and ran, yes, a marathon. Did you get that? A Marathon. A 26.2 mile marathon, to be specific.

Here's the thing: I know how to be just usually takes something really intense and challenging to motivate me stick to the plan.

So, what exactly is intense and challenging enough to encourage discipline from the Mistress?

A trip to California. Oh yes.

JP and I are planning a week long jaunt in early-mid May, visiting LA, our old stomping ground. More than a decade before we met, JP and I both moved to Los Angeles in 1997 and lived out there for 4 years! We laugh about how close our paths must have crossed....I told him I probably waited on him at Gladstones, the restaurant where I worked in Malibu-- and most likely wrapped up his leftover fried fish platter in a gorgeous foil whale...

Oh yeah-- one of my favorite parlor tricks is to make foil whales, foil swans, rabbits, crabs and I can even wrap a freakin' foil mermaid. It's true. I'll have to pull out the Reynold's wrap and take a pic to prove it! Below is a pic of our beloved bus boy, Miguel, who was a true foil artist!
Foil Art at Gladstones 4 Fish

Now that JP and I are finally making some money and I have some vacation time built up, it's time to get out to Cali. We're going to spend part of our time in Los Angeles and the other part in San Diego.

I want to feel my most fabulous-- and my most fit-- and what better motivation than the Land of All Things Lovely?

So, here's where I pose the question: To Cleanse or Not to Cleanse?

I have had incredible success three times over the years with The Master Cleanse. I lost about 15 pounds, my skin cleared up, I lost all cravings for crappy food, and I kept the weight off until I got lazy and stopped working out.

My best experience was in 2010-- I did the cleanse, had a near spiritual experience with more energy than I can explain--- felt and looked amazing....and THEN, committed to a 90 minute TAM workout daily. My body was freaking insane-- I looked the best I have every looked in my entire life.

But, I also have had some unsuccess with the Master Cleanse the last 2 times I attempted it. The MC is so intense, you truly have to be in a good emotional place to get through it. The last two times I failed miserably, amid havoc and stress---my head was not in a good place and my body did not respond favorably. It's kind of like that marathon I ran a million years ago -- you need 80% mental strength with 20% training to finish it.

The Master Cleanse was created back in 1940 by a dude named Stanley Burroughs. He says:
"The following program has been tested and approved since 1940 in all sections of the world as the most successful of any diet of its type. As an originator of this superior diet, I humbly and yet proudly offer it to you, confidant that you will receive vigorous good health from its use.

This diet will prove that no one needs to live with his diseases. Lifetime freedom from disease can become a reality.”

We all need a good cleansing from time to time-- my girl Gwyneth talks about it in numerous editions of her newsletter GOOP. You all may remember that The Master Cleanse got a lot of press when Beyonce famously lost 20 pounds before shooting Dream Girls.

Beyonce Before & After The Master Cleanse

The Master Cleanse is no joke. You've got the lemonade concoction, which is a combo of purified water, fresh lemon juice, grade B maple syrup (not the Aunt Jemima kind) and cayenne pepper. You get used to it and start to crave it, actually. It's kind of like a spicy lemonade. What's hard to swallow, literally, though, is the Salt Water Flush. By adding un-iodized salt to water (2 tsp to 1 quart of water), it immediately flushes out your system. Here's a quote from the website:

Of course, along with the sea salt, you will be expelling waste. During the first 2 days you will be moving out remaining solid matter in the digestive tract from the days prior to this.If you began your diet immediately, this will be more true than if you Eased-in, and therefore have only juice in your system. Nevertheless, for each day you will expel solid matter. Gross, to be certain, but also empowering. You really begin to understand the value of this process when you recognize the elimination of waste that has been stored in your body for months, even decades.

You also get a good dose of all natural senna-laced tea which is another poop story altogether. Note to self: Don't over-steep the tea!!!

What's really crazy, is that even after 9 days without food, you are still expelling waste!! It's wild. And, it's part of what makes the cleanse so powerful and effective--- you are literally clearing out years of crap from your system.

I'm not sure if I'm going to attempt it again...I feel like I've been jumping from one "quick fix" diet to another--- this cleanse is certainly not an easy fix, but it is a relatively short-term solution to dropping some extra pounds and feeling fabulous. I am also leaning toward it since I'm still technically detoxing from my years of being on medication. I've been off the meds for 4 months and feel like a true cleanse would be good for both my mind and body.

Have any of you done the Master Cleanse? If so, what has your experience been?


Sunday, April 1, 2012

April Fooling & Tasks That Are Grueling....

It's April Fool's Day, and people are practical joking and pulling pranks all around the world! Apparently, this day is celebrated as far back as 536 BC....

One year, my brother and I swapped out the sugar for salt, so my poor Mom had a very salty bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast! Another year, we covertly put green food coloring in my stepmother's coffee. When my Dad first introduced us to his lady love, my brother famously proclaimed, "You have yellow teeth!" So, naturally, we thought it only appropriate to use food coloring for a joke-- so we could say, "You're teeth aren't yellow anymore-- they're green!"

My stepmom was and still is a saint for tolerating us! (LOVE YOU LIN!)

All this talk of practical jokes makes me wonder how often we "fool" ourselves into thinking we are practicing healthy habits, being consistent with workouts, and being true to the goals we want to accomplish.

Ever since my disturbing experience with that crazy doctor, (who I have another appointment with this week, by the way--- and plan on reading him the riot act about his incorrect calculation of my BMI!) I have been thinking about my commitment to eating cleaner and following through with some of the things that I dread on a day to day basis, (ie, cleaning the house, managing my finances smartly, etc...)

Years ago, I had a therapist tell me to meditate in the morning before getting out of bed and decide what "thing" I dreaded doing most...Then, to get up and DO THAT THING FIRST. It was brilliant advice, because then, the day just flies by with ease, knowing you've gotten that dreaded task done and put behind you.

Lately, I've been totally dreading my workout. I think that ever since my results slowed down and some weight creeped back on, I've had that bad attitude of, "What's the point of doing this workout at all?" It's frustrating to not consistently see the kind of results I had in the beginning and I think I've lost some of my workout mojo.

I've figured out that there is not one particular magic diet plan will be the solution for me--- but going back to basics with lean protein and veggies, IS... In the same way, going back to basics with my workout is what I think will break through this mental and physical plateau I've been stuck in.
That mojo is my mind-body connection--- and pushing myself through the required 40 minutes of dance cardio and throwing my leg up in the air for some leg lifts-- is not going to drive the kind of results I'm after. For that matter, there needs to be a connection when I'm eating too, or else it's that mindless, shoving food in my pie hole kind of eating that usually ends in a binge.

My grandmother always used to joke that I eat like I work-- FAST! It didn't help that most of my career has been spent speeding toward breaking news, where lunch breaks meant eating on the fly at strange hours and places. I still have that speed mentality when I eat and I have to consciously remind myself that I'm not in a rush and I should just slow down and enjoy the food. I think if I can start pacing myself and connect with what I'm tasting--- to actually savor each bite--- the result will be eating less and having a far more satisfying meal experience.

I always feel like I never have enough time during the day to accomplish what I need to. My home office seriously looks like a promo for the TV Show "Hoarders" right now, and I think to myself, "I don't have time to devote an entire day to organizing this room!" Well, Mistress of Moderation here, needs to think differently....

How about dedicating 15 minutes a day for the next week? I find myself getting so overwhelmed by the big picture (cleaning a whole house, getting to my goal weight) that I lose sight of the little steps that will get me there. I just know that using my time more efficiently will maximize my results.

What if I cut my workout down to an hour but stay 100% connected. Wouldn't that be far more effective than a 2 hour workout at 60%?

Conscious Connection = Results.

Speaking of conscious connection, now that the legislative session is over for the year, pressure at work will ease up a bit and I will have more time to consciously connect to my writing and will actually be able to post more than once a week! YAY!

AND, I've also slacked on posting recipes---- I love writing. I love cooking. Why not write about cooking more? Kind of makes sense, eh? ( ;

Here's a delish nut free pesto recipe I came up with a couple weeks ago. It's so easy and sooooo sooooo gooooood! Instead of using pine nuts for a traditional pesto-- or walnuts, I used unsalted sunflower seeds. I love the flavor and it's super healthy....and I'm not foolin' !!


The Mistress' NUT FREE PESTO

2 cups basil leaves

3 Tb parsley

1/3 cup freshly grated parmesan

1/3 cup + 3 Tb olive oil

1/4 cup unsalted sunflower seeds

4 fresh garlic cloves

1/2 ts of salt (salt to taste since the parmesan adds quite a bit of saltiness)

Blend all ingredients in food processor. Add a Tb or two of water if you want to thin it down. Spread on fish before baking, or mix into pasta....or dip pieces of pita into it! DELISH!