Monday, April 16, 2012

Mistress of Master Cleanse- Day 1

It's the big day, lovelies...Mistress of Many Diets and Master of None has committed to the Master Cleanse for the next 1o days! As I mentioned in my previous post, the Master Cleanse is something I've done successfully several times. It ain't easy. It ain't pretty. But it works.

I took the weekend to ease in-- cutting out meat and sticking to fruits, veggies and rice. This way, the first day isn't such a complete shock to the system. But there's no way around the absolute hell of the first couple days while your body (and mind) adjust to no food, no chewing, no swallowing anything-- except for the lemonade concoction, a salt-water flush and some laxative tea. Let's break it down:

It ain't easy
Even after my weekend of light eating, (no binge meals or last minute french fry runs!) starting my morning without coffee was ROUGH. I had my laxative tea the night before, but nothing was, um, moving, the way it should have when I woke up, so looks like I need to steep the tea longer to get the desired effect. I learned the hard way not to steep it too long, or you feel like aliens have invaded your abdomen and are ripping out your large intestines.....but that is part of the "It ain't pretty" description!

I made a large batch of the lemonade and put it in "Bubba," my new BFF-- a giant 52 oz mug that could double as a weapon it's so heavy!
Bubba-- Meet Lemonade!

By the time noon rolled around, I was S.T.A.R.V.I.N.G. When you abstain from all solid food, your senses get super sharp....the smell of a Lean Cuisine heated up in the office microwave made me want to eat the cardboard box I was so hungry! Driving home, the sweet, smoky smell of a distant barbecue wafted into my Jeep-- and then walking into the house, JP had chicken in the oven and it nearly knocked me over!

That said, in my past experience with the cleanse, I lost all taste and desire for meat altogether. This time around, I think I may stick with the non-meat diet post-cleanse for a while. I've been craving meat less and less over the last few months-- opting for more vegetable and tofu based dishes.

It ain't pretty
Let's talk potty. Potty mouth is what my dry mouth tastes like right now-- no solid food for nearly 24 hours!!! The other potty, is what I'm referring to, though. Both the laxative tea and the salt water flush create an unnatural urgency that is, well....urgent. The tea and the flush are supposed to clean out years of gunk, junk and possibly any toys you may have swallowed as a small child! (No joke, I read that on a Master Cleanse blog somewhere this week! Can you imagine looking into the toilet and thinking, "Well there's where that matchbox car was!")

Pooping out toxins is as important to your results as the liquid diet. That's what's so crazy by the 8th or 9th day--- you think you've gotten everything out, when all of the sudden-- you've got more poop. MORE POOP, INDEED!

It works
Plain and simple. The Master Cleanse works. After the 3rd day, you stop thinking about food--- your hunger completely disappears. I never thought there would be a point on a liquid cleanse when I wouldn't be hungry, but it happens. Then, about a week in, I experienced this strange, lucid euphoria-- I had so much energy, positive vibes and felt like I could have conquered anything-- except for maybe a double Cheeseburger!

I have never weighed myself on the cleanse, but I always fit right back into those Skinny Jeans afterwards....I'm curious this time around, what the results will be in numbers.

My head is in a good place (mental clarity and non-stressed mindset is key to success on this cleanse) and I'm ready for that euphoric energy to kick in....Although, right now, the only thing I want to kick in is the cupboard and eat something...ANYTHING! I jest. Well, not really.

As always, if I can get through the first day, I can get through 10 more. Unlike the Tracy Anderson bootcamp diet, though, there is no spoonful of Nutella or a rogue handful of chocolate chips....after a few days of cleansing, that could send your body into serious crisis mode and make some majah pain for your intestines!

OK, lovelies, headed to make my salt water flush-- if I close my eyes when I drink it, I can pretend it's chicken soup....not great, but it helps me get it down!

I'm going to try to do a daily post of my progress.....Here's to Skinny Jeans and California!


  1. Good luck! I'm cleansing today too, not the master cleanse. I'm not hungry I just miss the social aspect of eating.

    1. The social aspect is definitely the hardest part! We have a fundraising drive going on at work and they cater like every single day! I'm trying to stay away from any temptations! ( ;

  2. Reading your post on the Master Cleanse got me doing my own research about it. I didn't really know anything about it other than the crazy stuff you read online and in the rag mags. After finding out what it's really all about (that it's NOT a diet), I was definitely interested. But I also took stock in what you were saying about being emotionally ready. My hubby's in the military, and he's preparing to leave towards the end of May for a class that will keep him away from our family for most of the summer. Knowing we will probably be indulging quite a bit over the next few weeks before he leaves (cramming in quality time for us usually includes a lot of calories), I was thinking of starting the cleanse right after he leaves (when I'll have less need to cook anyway). I mentioned the plan to him, and to my surprise, he said he'd like to cleanse WITH me and wants us to start next week! So I gathered the ingredients this weekend (except for the lemons) and bought the kindle version of a book on the cleanse. We should be good to go! This will be both of our first times doing a cleanse, so I'm hoping doing it together will boost our motivation. Out of curiosity, on past master cleanses, did you have energy to work out at all? I'm on level 9 of Meta (though I started Meta back in October, so OBVIOUSLY I am not a stickler about doing it 6 days a week... I just took 5 freakin' days off this past week!), and Continuity just shipped. I wasn't sure if I should expect to be able to do TAM at all while I'm cleansing. I'd definitely drink extra lemonade to account for some of the calorie burn. I'd appreciate any advice you could offer. Good luck to you on your cleanse!

    1. Hi JJ! Thanks for commenting! That's awesome that your hubby is going to do the cleanse with you! I think my man would rather pull his toenails off with rusty pliers than to do a cleanse like this!! ( ;

      Vigorous exercise is not recommended during the cleanse, but light walking, stretching, type exercise is really boils down to how you feel. The last time I did the MC, I felt so much energy on Day 6-7 that I did the TAM mat workout.

      Bottom line, go by how you feel and be gentle with your body as it repairs itself! Keep me posted on your progress! xxoo

  3. Hai Parker, that sounds all so "relieving" ... :-)
    keep us posted abut your progress. I have to look into this salt-flush and the master cleanse - sounds interesting but I am not sure if I can manage to stay away from solid food for 10 days. when you are that hungry, does it happen to you that you feel like fainting too? I am scared that I tremble and faint because of Hypoglycemia ?! Do you have any experience with that?

    1. Hey Nina! The first few days I always feel slightly lightheaded-- but more because of caffeine withdrawl than from actual low blood sugar. The composition of the lemonade you drink all day (with the grade B maple syrup, the lemons and the cayenne) keep a sufficient amount of calories in your system (I think the requisite portion of lemonade equals 750 calories) so your body doesn't go into complete starvation mode. It's just hard to keep your mind off solid food the first couple days! What I would give for some french toast and bacon with a big mug of coffee at this very moment!!! xxoo