Monday, April 23, 2012

Mistress of Master Cleanse - Days 7 & 8

The finish line is in sight now!  2 more days of lemonade and laxative tea and 4 more days before I can sink my teeth into a luscious piece of broccoli and a decadent bite of carrot!  I am seriously salivating about some veggie soup, yo!

So, yesterday (Day 7) was pretty uneventful-- I actually found myself looking forward to Monday and going to work, because it's easier to keep my mind off "cleansing" when I'm busy.  I had forgotten to take the Wheat Grass pills until today and they made a huge difference in my hunger level.  On some cleanses, I haven't been hungry much at all-- this one, there are waves of intense hunger and then times when I forget about food for hours at a time.

Up until now, the laxative tea has been really gentle on my bowels-- a little bit of cramping, but for the most part, working on time when I get up in the morning.  I've been really careful about not steeping it too long, because I have had some very uncomfortable experiences with that in the past! A little too much senna can create major cramps and well, explosive diarrhea.

This morning, no poop.  So, I made my daily batch of spicy lemonade and got on the road.  About 30 minutes into horrible rush hour traffic, the cramps started.  But they passed, and I just kept on thinking, OK, you can make it to work, it's just 5 miles!  But traffic was not moving and then the cramps hit again.  Much worse this time. Uh Oh.

Ya'll know that term, "Pushing Cotton?"  Um, that doesn't begin to describe the sudden urgency coming from my clenched hiney! I knew that if I eeked out a squeak of a toot, it would not only have been a "SHART," I would have had a full-on SHIT-UATION in my pants.

I pulled off the highway and raced to a nearby gas station.  The guy at the counter must have seen my face because he gave me the key for the 'out of order' restroom!  Lawd, if that door wasn't stuck and I'm jingle jangling that key like my life depended on it!  I swear, 30 more seconds and I would have ripped a diaper off of Sweet Baby Jesus!!!!

I rush into the shitter and there is no lid on the toilet and no toilet paper....But there was not a moment to ponder TP at that point-- I just had to get my squat on!  Holy Shitballs.  Literally.

I won't even go into the horrendous procedure of having to leave the bathroom to ask Mr. Gas Station man for some toilet paper.  Awesome.

The rest of the day was spent trying to ward off hideous smells.  During the cleanse, the olfactory sense is peaked, so the slightest smell that your "non-cleansing" nose might not pick up can become distracting or full on unbearable.

The other night, I was in bed and smelled a slightly burned odor.  It took me a minute to realize that the oven was on---- a smell I picked up from 3 rooms away!

Today, I was at a press conference that was serving lunch for some political high rollers.  It wasn't the food that was bothering me at all, but the breath of the newspaper reporter who sat next to me!  Dragon breath is putting it mildly.  He kept on trying to talk to me, asking me question after question....I finally had to cut him off with a pretend message on my phone!  Then, when all of the reporters gathered together to interview Georgia State Senator Saxby Chambliss, it was like a cacophony of nasty smells-- bad breath, body odors galore.  So gross!  I couldn't wait to get out of there!

I've left JP to his own culinary devices today--- last night I made him a Paula Deen recipe I tried out--- Southern Fried Chicken.  I wanted to straddle those juicy thighs and make them my Bee-atch, they looked so freaking good.  (Sorry Paula!)

The good news is that I'm down 9.5 pounds!  Although, for the first time since I started the Master Cleanse, I really miss working out.  I was frankly really burned out after the last 3 months of intense workouts 6x a week.  I know I'm losing some muscle tone, but my plan is to drop as much dead weight as I can on the cleanse and then get everything toned and tightened with Metamorphosis.

Teeny, Tiny, TamTastic is so close!

Bring on Day 9!



  1. SHIT-uation. LMFAO! And the walk of shame to get some TP for your bunghole? I'm so, SO sorry your morning started off that way, but I'm glad we can laugh about it now! At least, I hoping you're laughing :) My olfactory sense hasn't been super heightened yet (though I had that when I was pregnant, so I know what you mean), and I'm grateful! We had to pick up more lemons today, and outside the grocery there's a Korean BBQ stand that smells amazeballs! I swear, it's like that alien hunger baby living in my chest wanted to claw itself out and scream PROTEIN!!! GIVE ME PROTEIN!!! When we got home I fed Jolie a banana, and the pornographic food fantasies were in full swing. I may never eat a banana again without blushing.

    1. Porn and bananas should never be used in the Same sentence, cuz the image that just came to mind was....well, it's making me hungry, damnit!!!!! So happy you are on the cleanse train too, girl!

    2. Oh... And JP and I don't normally talk shit, literally! But, I had to read him the poop post and he was on the floor cracking up! And, poopy pants, here, pulled out some Desatin from my first aid stash for my bung hole. Oh yes. It's true.

  2. :( I feel ya, lady. Damned cayenne. Give yourself a good "analgesic" rub... you deserve it after the day you had!

    PS - Just saw your recipes for orange zested cashew chicken and those turkey "taco" lettuce wraps. Why do I do this to myself??? I have to pack the little guy's school lunch tonight, and I have a feeling I might motorboat his turkey sandwich. Would you think less of me? LOL

    1. Now that is a sight I would pay good money to see!!! Lmfao!

  3. LMAO. That's all I gotta say. Does cayenne really burn? I still am envious of the 9lbs. Bikini season is almost here!

    1. The cayenne doesn't really burn when u drink the lemonade-- it is supposed to help curb hunger and loosen up the crud that lines our intestines....I think it worked-- lol!!

  4. Hi Parker, I can't even begin to imagine how gross it must have been at the gas station but I hear ya sister - if I have to go so urgently there is nothing stopping me - not even an out-of-order toilet!!! And all the smells from the fellow reports - yikes .. so gross! People don't realize how much they smell and in no way you can give them a breath mint without being rude ;-)!!
    I am amazed that you went through the cleanse while working - this would be the hardest part for me!!
    So proud of you!!

    1. Nina- I swear, I carry an arsenal of breath mints bc I interview people for a living and that dude could not take a hint!!! At the finish line now and down 12 pounds! Yay!!! Thanks for always being such a great cheerleader for me.... xxoo