Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Banished from the Kingdom of TAM...

So let's get all the negative stuff unloaded first....As most of you know from Facebook posts, my TAM alias, "Parker Tam," got banned from the main Tracy Anderson Facebook page.  There was no snarky comment, no egregious post-- just simply a suggestion that the TAM team offer an online option for detox week for those of us who can't afford the $3,000 price tag.  I thought it would be a brilliant marketing move for them.  Apparently I was wrong.  Not only were my comments removed, I was blocked from posting anything further on the page.

Banished from the Kingdom of TAM
I was hurt.  I was surprised.  And most of all, I was disappointed.  I felt like thorns had suddenly spread around the Palace of Princess Tracy.... And little 'ol me, banished from the Kingdom of TAM!

All this, after I just finished taking the time to reach out to thousands of TAM'ers through Facebook and compile a comprehensive list of suggestions on how the Method could be improved-- from customer service to editing to online access and pricing.  This was at the request of the main PR company overseeing the last detox week, who is now in charge of revamping the website and online community.

I guess no good deed goes unpunished.

But, I'm not going to make myself a martyr here...I am simply OVER and ABOVE the drama.  This workout method initially attracted me because of the 1. Results and 2. The community of support.  I am still getting results and I still have a community of support from the incredible women on TAM facebook fan groups-- dozens who came to my defense online and even sent angry emails to TAM customer service, demanding to know why I had been blocked.  Some women even canceled their subscriptions.

I am not encouraging anyone to stop doing the Method.  Hell, even after all this dramz, I still get my Metamorphosis workout on!  But I will no longer be a public advocate for Tracy Anderson or her Method.  I will simply continue doing my workout, and of course, continue to share my results with you all, but ---  I canceled my Parker Tam account and I will soon be changing my blog to reflect the changes as well.  You may have already noticed I deleted Tracy's picture and all reference to her Method.  The truth is, Tracy inspired me to begin with, but I've been getting ready to make a break for some time now.  It kind of feels like escaping from a cult dumping your long-time friend who's been getting toxic.  Sorry girl, but I gotta let you go.  But, I will give you an hour of my day, six days a week to tighten up my ass.  (She'll get back at me by making my thighs and arms ache daily, I'm sure.)

And, come to think of it, while "Mistress of the Method" was started to document my TAM journey,  "the Method" doesn't have to be about Tracy's Method, right?

I'm totally open to suggestions....Unfortunately, Mistress of Mayhem, is already taken!  Boo!

Perhaps, this is a chance to re-brand myself-- and for the better!  After all, I'm working toward getting a cookbook and a cooking show off the ground....Mistress of Many Muffintops?  Mistress of Mucho Food?  Mistress of Make Me Another Meal?  LOL!

Mistress of Mucho Awesome Food!
I have lots of good things to share in the coming weeks....including loads of delish recipes, interviews with women who inspire me, and of course, some raucous and raunchy stories that must be told with as many profanities much provocative language as possible!

So until then, my lovelies, enjoy these beautiful fall days and thank you for being my rocks of support through all of this.

Much Love,

The Mistress


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Muffin Tops and Your Inner Bitch

 Mirror vs. Minds-Eye: Miss Muffin Top

The above pic is what I've been seeing every time I look in the mirror.  And that's not such a pretty sight.  The problem is two-fold: My exaggerated minds-eye has been playing tricks and distorting my view of myself.  (Don't get me wrong, Miss Muffin Top and her nasty ass sister, Gutty McFatty are lounging on my waistline like it's some kind of island retreat), but the negative image I'm creating is absolutely sabotaging my progress.  I'm convinced that having a negative body image is literally like a magnet for fat.  The longer you hate yourself for your diet failures and that extra 5 or 15 or 50 pounds, the harder it is going to be lose the weight for good.

You've been on this journey with me and you've watched me yo-yo through one diet fix to the next and what's been the end result?  I gain it back (and more) every time.  And the more I gain, the worse I feel and the more horrible that Muffin Top looks in the mirror.

Intuitively, I know that consistency with both diet and exercise is the only long-term solution, but I'm impatient and cranky and pissed that I can't seem to find a foodie lifestyle that works for me.  I'm practically a professional Chef, damnit!  How is that I don't have the ability to come up with a low-fat menu that is delicious and can help in my weight loss efforts??!!

There I go....beating myself up again.

For the first time in my entire life, I'm literally trying to channel a different, kinder inner voice.  You know the voice that is the bitch on your shoulder telling you how much cottage cheese is on your thighs in the dressing room mirror when you're bathing suit shopping?  Or the tramp who calls you a fat ass when you eat that fourth slice of pizza and then urges you to pull out the ice-cream since you're on a calorie bender anyway?

You know her.  We all do.

Lookout, cuz I'll cut that bitch!  She is also on my persona non grata list along with Muffy and Gutty.

Lately, I'm trying to coax the nicer, gentler inner voice of compassion and encouragement who says, "Come on, honey, it's time to wake up!" when the alarm goes off at F*ck You 5am in the morning....The voice who says, "You did great tonight by not drinking any wine or going back for seconds!"

The voice who says, "YOU CAN DO THIS, GURRRLL."

Whenever Badmuthafucka decides he needs to change something in his life, he calls it using his "Jedi Mind Trick"....basically psyching yourself into believing whatever it is that is going to help you improve, learn, get better, concentrate, etc...  So I am officially Jedi Mind Tricking myself into believing:

1. I will eventually reach my fitness goals-- it just may not happen as quickly or easily as I'd like it to.
2. I am strong, intelligent and capable.  The only person standing in the way of my goals is ME.  So getthefuckouttatheway and MAKE IT HAPPEN. (That was said in my NICE inner voice, by the way.)

I am not going to give up the scale, but I'm not living and dying by the number either.  One day of eating like shit and drinking a bunch of wine can set me back 3 days in weight loss, but I have to accept that I simply don't have the metabolism I used to.  I also realize that I've got to make sacrifices in certain areas.  Want wine?  Pass on dessert.  Want seconds of dinner?  Do extra cardio.

Lately, I'm incorporating some interval training into my TAM routine.  A girlfriend who is a trainer explained that this isn't HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) because the rest periods aren't longer than the bursts of exercise, but this is what I've been doing. I make up 10 exercise sequences of 2 minutes each with a 30 second rest in-between.  You name it-- jumping jacks, cheerleading jumps, (Oh yes, the Mistress rocked that cheerleading skirt back in the late 90's, haaaaaaay!!!)  and even 2 minute sequences of my favorite dance cardio routines.  So, basically 10 sequences (2 minutes each with 30 second breaks) averages out to 25 minutes.  I am literally soaked with sweat after one of these routines.  I do it out by the pool in my backyard where there is a cement patio with lots of space.  Here's what it looked like yesterday:

Skip sideways (alternating sides) 2 minutes
30 second rest
Jog 2 minutes
30 second rest
Dance Cardio routine #2 from DC '08 for 2 minutes
30 second rest
Jumping jacks 2 minutes
30 second rest
Touch ground- jump up high - touch ground for 2 minutes
30 second rest
Hamelin style grapevine with high knees up for 2 minutes
30 second break
Step up/Step down off diving board for 2 minutes
30 second break
Dance Cardio routine #4 from Beginner Dance Cardio for 2 minutes
30 second break
Sprint 2 minutes
30 second break
Bootcamp Dance Cardio #1 for 2 minutes

It goes by sooooo fast and really gets your heart rate up!  I love it and it's a nice break from the same ol' dance cardio I'm really sick of.  I like incorporating a few of the dances into the sequences-- it breaks it up enough to not be bored and yet I still feel like I'm getting a little dancing in.

It also, well, makes me HAPPY.  One of my fave FB girls recently reminded me that exercise should make you feel good, lift you up emotionally--- not the opposite. I'm looking forward to my workouts again.....and I have a sneaking suspicion, I will start to see results again because of that connection.

Sweaty and Happy after my Interval workout!
As far as diet goes, I've actually been doing pretty well this week.  Instead of munching on gluten-free chips, (which are delish) but also calorie dense, I've been bringing baggies of baby carrots. It gives me the mouth feel I love as far as crunchy and sweet, and they keep me filled up between meals.

Breakfast has been alternating between pineapple cottage cheese with berries, a few crushed pecans and cinnamon or a protein shake.

Better than the cottage cheese on my thighs!
I made this dish for BMF, which I dubbed the "Freggin' Awesome Breakfast"-- 2 sunny side up eggs on corn tortillas with jalapenos, cherry tomatoes and cilantro.  (I had a plain hard boiled egg with a piece of gluten free toast!)

FrEGGin' Awesome!

And this has been lunch most days-- grilled chicken on butter lettuce with cherry tomatoes, cucumber and a bit of balsamic vinegar.  Not the most exciting lunch, but not horrible either.  I made some of the Beauty Detox Solution's Probiotic & Enzyme salad which is basically rotting, fermented cabbage a healthy topping to your regular salad but haven't tried it yet.  It's, um, still fermenting....
Grilled Chicken Salad

So, I leave you with a reminder to be kind to yourselves....to remember that we must have patience and self-love to truly get to that "happy place" with our bodies and that "sweet spot" with our diets....(Although that sweet spot on my body is a happy place for Badmuthafucka, but I digress!)

Lots of Love,

Mistress of Many Voices in her head....Master of the NICE one.


Sunday, September 2, 2012

Scattered, Smothered, Covered and CHUNKED.

Even if you don't live in the South, ya'll probably know about Waffle House's famous hashbrowns...You can have them scattered (on the grill), smothered (with onions), covered (with cheese) and/or chunked with hickory ham. Well, lovelies, the Mistress has been all 4 the past week....and Miss Muffin Top and her nasty ass sister Gutty McFatty are tucking into another roll on my belly as I speak.

Scattered, Smothered, Covered and CHUNKED.  Just like me.
No, I haven't been late night binging at Waffle House!

But I have been....

Scattered:  Tons of stressful deadlines recently that I have under control, but my scatter brain has been even more scattered, making it tough to concentrate and get shit done.

Smothered: By my own negativity and self-doubt...I feel like as soon as things start going well for me, I end up sabotaging myself.  WHY?!?  I want so much to make things happen in a productive and fabulous way--- for me, for my career and for my personal and professional fulfillment.  So let's DO this, Parker!  

Covered:  In hives.....and more hives.  My new nickname is "Scratchy McBumpy."  I have developed some very serious food allergies since getting off all my medication and this is what happened when I had gluten this week, in the form of a cookie and some bread:

And this is what happened when I had peanut butter:

Mistress of Many Rashes

Badmuthafucka is convinced the breakouts are stress related.  He could be right.  I have an appointment for a full battery of allergy testing on September 10th, so hopefully I'll figure out what's going on.  

And lastly, I have been further CHUNKED.  In the form of an additional 5 pounds.  I'm not even going to utter that number.  You do the math from my last post and you'll know why I'm freaking out.  I actually took a pregnancy test yesterday, thinking that MUST be why I've put on more weight.  Negative.  (Which is a good thing right now!)

It's times like this when I really don't get ME. I am the same crazy bee-atch who abstained from all food for 17 days and subsisted on lemons, water and laxative tea.  And that girl can't be moderate and simply EAT CLEAN and EXERCISE like a normal person?!  There has to something I'm missing.  And yes, I'm being hard on myself because there are simply NO MORE EXCUSES.  My inner fat girl is screaming at me and I'm shoveling Boursin cheese stuffed salami in my mouth!!!!

Seriously, folks.  It's time for some action.

I've been pretty good about my workouts--- almost done with level 3 of Meta. (OK, well, it's taken me 2 1/2 weeks to get through 10 days...) I've also been much better about waking up to get my MS and 30 minutes of cardio finished before work.  But there's a disconnect somewhere, because my results (and the scale) are moving in the wrong direction.   MAJAH problem.

So what now?  Muffy and Gutty are urging me to throw in the towel and just resign myself to join them and be known as "Chubby"....Can't ya just see the three of us-- Muffy, Gutty and Chubby on a road trip to the Kingdom of Pudge. "That's how we ROLL," would be our favorite saying!


I can't fit into any of my clothes, so I went to Goodwill yesterday and bought a double digit size (let's just say it wasn't a 4, 6, or 8) so I could have something comfortable to wear.  I figure, paying $3.75 for some fat pants certainly won't commit me to that size-- and in a few weeks, when the single digit clothes fit me again, I can recycle those big ass pants back to Goodwill.  Everyone shopping there yesterday had about 100 pounds on me, so it wasn't as mortifying as it might have been, had I been shopping at Nordstrom's next to some anorexic soccer Mom.

I know some of you are rolling your eyes, thinking, "OMG.  She's shopping at Goodwill?!  That's for poor people!  And aren't those clothes dirty and used???"  Well, girls, they are all of the above.  But, when things got really bad for us financially, Goodwill was awesome for cheap (and often cute!) clothes.  Go to a Goodwill in an affluent neighborhood, and you'll find insanely expensive labels-- and some clothes that have never been worn.  I've discovered Gucci, Prada, Guess, Lilly Pulitzer, and even Chanel at some of these thrift stores!  They are also great for finding gently used kitchen wares, like sets of china and cool wine glasses.  I even found a new juicer that I bought for $15 that retails at $70!  Goodwill is also where I bought my rebounder-- for $22!  If you haven't checked out a Goodwill before-- do it!  One woman's trash is another woman's treasure....Just sayin'!

So, anyhoo-- it's time to get serious, Mistress of Many Promises, here....I don't have time to blog every day about a 30 Day Challenge right now, so let it be known that I am committing to giving up booze for 2 full weeks.  I love drinking wine while I'm cooking, but it's gotta go, if I'm going to make any traction here with weight loss.  Whenever I've gone without it in the past, after a few days, I forget about the great buzz the empty calories and it always leans me out!  I'm also giving up my beloved morning joe with Irish creamer and sugar.  Not sure I can stomach it black, but I'm going to try.

I have another huge TV opportunity coming up (more details later!) and I have to get my ass in check-- literally....

I posted this pic of me on FB while doing a sound check for my radio piece.  Thank the LAWD the weight gain doesn't show in my face....But consider this the official proof of my promise to KISS Miss Muffin Top and Gutty McFatty goodbye, FOREVAH!!!!

Kiss Off Muffy and Gutty!  And don't come back, ya'll hear?!