I haven't worked out today.
I'm sure if I had, I'd have a better perspective. Despite my best intentions to really get my diet in check and amp up my workouts, especially cardio, which has been lagging all week, I'm moping and grumpy. Disappointed with my complete lack of discipline and all of my efforts sabotaged.
It was an "eat Cool Whip out of the container" kinda weekend. And that's exactly what I did.
I know, I know, I'm usually your Cheerful TAM Cheerleader, rah-rahing us all to our most TAMfabulous selves....But I've had a lot of introspective moments since the end of last week, when I received dozens of responses to my last blog post. Girls emailed me from around the world, sharing their struggles and triumphs with eating disorders. I had incredibly moving Facebook comments from women of all ages and backgrounds who wanted me to know how much they appreciated my story.
Then, I received a Facebook comment from a New York "celebrity trainer" who told me that the TAM program has "eating disordered language"-- and that my support and endorsement of the program was a sign that I was still holding onto my own eating disorder and that I was "leading women down a dangerous path that they might not have the strength to resist."
I was blindsided.
Then, I was furious. How dare she accuse me of doing the opposite of what I set out to accomplish with this blog? My goal has always been to HELP and SUPPORT other women who may be struggling with body image, self-worth and confidence. I have hoped that sharing my own story and being vulnerable would let other women know that they are not alone.
An army of TAM'ers came to my defense, moving me to tears several times. I am forever grateful for my own cadre of supporters, my TAM sisterhood.
I came home that night livid, telling JP about the online drama, just lathering with indignation. How could this woman, a complete stranger, accuse me of such things? How could my personal TAM journey be interpreted as anything other than healthy and good intentioned?
JP, always the pragmatist, and my dose or reality when needed, said, "Parker, when you put yourself out there on a blog and on public forums, you have to be prepared for your fair share of critics. Buck up, Baby!"
He's right.
It made me stop and think about my motivations for writing this blog and it's possible effects on those reading it....Is it obsessive? Am I going overboard with the diet talk? Could my before and after pics be triggers for someone suffering from an eating disorder?
The truth is, I don't know. It feels healthy to me....I love feeling like I've provided some insight or light in my little corner of the blogosphere that makes sense to someone else. It inspires me to write these posts and it keeps me accountable-- in so many ways, beyond my workout.
It's also re-ignited my love of writing, reminding me why I wanted to be a writer a lifetime ago, and why maybe, that might still be a possibility....
Once I was able to digest it all emotionally, I realized that this trainer had a point--- any program that markets to the insecurities of young women, (i.e. "teeny tiny" language, etc..) has the potential to be used dysfunctionally. But, I personally do not think Tracy is banking on eating disorders to drive her sales. I think her results speak for themselves. And I think it is OUR responsibility, as the consumer, to keep ourselves, and our shrinking asses in check!
So to sum up, I want anyone reading this to know that my heart is in this journey that I write about every few days....
My heart is with each and every one of you who has ever struggled to love the girl in the mirror looking back at you.
The irony that comes with that trainer's criticism, is that I feel like this blog started out as a Tracy Anderson journey, but it's morphed (metamorphed?) into MY JOURNEY...
And for that folks, I can only take credit if this leads you down the path with me to whatever MAH-VELOUS we encounter together.....
For a little comic relief, here's one of my favorite Family Guy clips-- with the infamous "COOL HOOWHIP" line from Stewy! Now where's that container of mine? Oh yeah. I finished it. Awesome.
xxoo
Hi Parker, unfortunately I am not your facebook friend yet, so I didn't have the chance to read the ridiculous post from this "celebrity"-trainer. Tracy's program does not trigger any kind of eating disorder it only triggers our brains to change to healthy, non-processed food/cooking. A lot of people think they are some kind of trainers and they think they know whats best for everyone but when reading the community and also really listening to Tracy herself and her trainers the programm does NOT support any kind of eating disorder. Don't let yourself down because of a comment from some stupid witch (think the b-word and read the w-word :-)!). What does she know about you? What does she know in general? Nothing I suppose - only some low-life that is just jealous of the TAM success because his/her own training does not attract thousands of women in the world but only some few low-key celebrities (who probably had to get on the casting-couch for some roles!)! Your blog is your progress, your accountability, your way of keeping track and to help others, like me, to stay motivated and do at least something for their bodies and not just lie fat on the couch eating potatoe chips and cake (who will die because of heart failure anyway).
ReplyDeleteWhat everyone does with the information is their own thing. The program and your blog does not support a disorder. A disorder is like any addiction an illness and if someone is likely to have one it is programmed anyway and no-one can activate it but the person themself. So don't beat yourself up, if someone has an eating disorder its not because of tracy or your blog but because they have an illness. And furthermore you sharing your story only helps people not support them with their disorder! People can be so mean its horrible. F-word her and her opinion it DOES NOT MATTER!!!!!
Nina-- you rock! You have no idea how much I needed those words this morning!! I really appreciate your support and great perspective. Deep down I know this, but I just felt blindsided by the negativity and I personalized it as an attack against me and my blog-- when those probably were not the original intentions.
DeleteOn to more positive things! (I did a 90 minute workout this morning, so there's some progress in the right direction, right??!)
xxoo
Absolutely!!!!
DeleteYeah some people need to be negative in order to feel good - thats just sad for them!! But as we say in German: Über den Dingen stehen ... means: Stand over things - we are TAMers and know better!!! :-)
Love that saying! Also-- find me on Facebook, under Parker Tam! <3
DeleteHi Parker,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for some time, and the story about eating disorders moved me nearly to tears, even though I never had any - I was a lucky (or unlucky I am not sure) person to be born with very fast metabolism which only started to slow down in the past couple years. But just wanted to show you a little support: don't listen to anyone. Being in academia, I know one thing for sure: there is no right or correct opinion, everyone can be criticized, everyone can be praised. Essentially, there is no truth. :) So hear the criticism, think it over and if it is has no ground at all, discard it. :)
I started Meta Omni on 20th Feb, and have decided to stick with the diet (at least for the first 30 days), even though I want to lose 5-7 kilos (11-13 lbs) only. And to be honest - for me it even seemed a lot of food in the diet. It is hard because it teaches discipline, not because you don't eat anything and go hungry. Actually in the past 2 weeks I have not been hungry ONCE. So with proper and appropriate vitamins, this diet is as healthy as you can get. It is better than some of my girl friends eat one carrot and one apple a day. :) And trainers who train people for larger and bulking muscles, of course, need to advice a different diet.
So, anyway, sorry for long comment. I am all supporting you and I like how you write. Visit my blog if interested. :)
Cheers,
Liuba
Hi Liuba! Thanks so much for reaching out-- that means a lot to me!
DeleteYou are so disciplined with your diet-- I am impressed.....I have the strength to get up at 5am to workout, but not always the ability to Put. Down. The. Chocolate. ( ;
I love your point that there is no right or correct opinion, that everyone can be criticized as easily as they can be praised. So true!
I will definitely check out your blog! Thanks girl!
~P
xxoo
Hi Parker,
ReplyDeleteI was catching up on some blog reading and I couldn't help but respond to this post. I have a lot of thoughts about the trainer and what you wrote. First, I think a lot of people jump on the Tracy-bashing bandwagon. They think they know what they are talking about because she is not conventional. I've followed the conventional workout methods for years and I've met lots of people who really enjoy being 'authorities' on working out (usually because they aren't really authorities on anything else). Having done Tracy's workouts, sure there are things that I'm not entirely sure about, but I can say with utmost confidence that I am stronger, compacter, and have more muscle endurance than I did when I started. Plus, I enjoy it. That's why variation is important, because not everyone enjoys working out in the same way. I think plenty of us can take the good from Tracy's program and adjust the parts that seem questionable to us and make something really excellent out of it.
As far as people with eating disorders go, it doesn't take a whole lot to trigger them. Billboards used to trigger me, yet no one takes them down. Magazine covers triggered me, skinny girls walking past me on the street triggered me, warm weather triggered me, the smell of chicken nuggets triggered me, the list goes on and on. It's not possible to remove or even plan for all of the thoughts, pictures, words, that trigger people with eating disorders. That said, I do sometimes find before/after pictures and calling oneself names for being overweight triggering, so I try to avoid them on days when I'm feeling particularly weak or blue. That's my responsibility. I'm an adult and this is the internet and it's my responsibility to learn what triggers me and to avoid it. I do feel really badly for the poor person who still struggles with an active eating disorder and looks to Tracy for help. Tracy is not the worst thing they can find on the internet, certainly.
This is your corner of the internet. You aren't posting bone-thin models or pro-ana/pro-lia literature and ideas. You are working out, sharing your struggles with food, and adding in a huge dash of humor & tongue-in-cheek. There are certainly lots of people who relate to you and enjoy what you write. Heck, while I was in the throes of my eating disorder, reading about someone who ate Cool Whip straight out of the tub would have been a real relief (I wasn't the only one who did this!!). Feeling alone and weird and broken, these are the real 'friends' to ED. I think that if you let doubts and self-important 'professionals' stop you, it would be a real shame. Best wishes, Amy
Amy,
DeleteThank you for your insightful, well thought out reply. I have realized, just as you have, that we all have to be accountable for our actions-- whether it's working out on schedule, or staying away from triggering images. I do understand how some of Tracy's language can be interpreted as ED triggered vernacular, but she should not be demonized for that, in my opinion. You could take any exercise program and apply that same rationale-- there will always be language or diet advice or whatever-- that may not agree with certain people. But isn't that why we have the freedom to choose the program that works best for us, personally? I choose Tracy. And lately, Hamelin D'abell. Check his videos out on Vimeo and youtube. He has the same philosophy as Tracy-- the whole, light weights, dance cardio,etc...
Thanks so much for your support-- for reading and commenting!
xxoo
~Parker